Oops.

I missed two whole days of congratulating myself. Crap. I guess if it were easy, it wouldn’t be on the list, right? If it were natural, it’d already be part of my life, and so wouldn’t make much of a difference as an achieved goal. This means it actually has the potential to be beneficial!

I’ll write two congratulations now to make up for it. Maybe if I had actually done this properly it wouldn’t be so hard to think of something now…

1. I invited a friend to hang out, even though this friend repeatedly turns invitations down or ignores them. I don’t think they are doing it on purpose to be this elusive, which is why I don’t think it’s time to give up. Normally though, I would get embarrassed about asking again, but I swallowed my pride and did it anyway. I read somewhere that when you’re old, you regret the things you haven’t done more than the things you have, and these words have been swirling around in my mind for quite a few days. Plus, one of my closest friends is in my life now because I didn’t give up on them (weird that the neutral pronoun is plural… is this right?), so I guess I have a positive experience to keep my hopes up. But it doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

2. I read that one way to be happier is to act the way a happy person would act. At first, I thought this was ridiculous and counterproductive to building real relationships with people, but after experiencing the way people react to people who are visibly unhappy (as I have allowed myself to be before), I think there might be some wisdom in this, though I’m not exactly sure why. Yesterday I was having a really bad day, but I tried to act the way a happy person would. I didn’t perform flawlessly, but I gave it a try. I think I’ll have to do it more often to see if it’s worth it, though.

Wait, wait! Another!!

3. I find it difficult to differenciate avoiding a friend because I’m afraid, from avoiding a friend because I’m just not in the mood to see them. For a long time, I’d assume that I was afraid (because I’m afraid of most things) and I’d push through it; I’d hang out with whoever wanted to, even if I maybe wanted to be alone or wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about seeing them. However, I think I’m now realizing that this contributes to both social scarcity and destructive relationships. I’ve found that if I don’t listen to my intuition, the conversation doesn’t flow, the relationship doesn’t grow, and the bad vibe acts as negative reinforcement for seeing the person in the future. And because of this bad, forced experience, I’m conditioned to think I have to try very hard in relationships to create positive outcomes, leading to the idea that good relationships are rare and I have to cling tightly to the ones I have and to the ones that have potential — unhealthy. Maybe sometimes I just need to not be around someone, even if I don’t know why; if I don’t feel inspired to see someone, then maybe I should just not. Which is what I did the other day: I avoided people I didn’t feel excited to see, and I think it was a good decision.

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