I’m in a weird mood today.
Where to start?
I feel really bad saying this, but lately I’ve been bored with most of my friends. On top of that, one of my best friends has been very negative, in particular towards me, and it’s been taking a toll on me. However, I do know that something’s been missing in my life, and I know better than to attribute too much of my unhappiness to what I perceive as the shortcomings of other people. It’s not their fault.
After I graduated from university, before moving to Montréal from Ontario, I was feeling absolutely reckless. I was bored of my life, and I needed a major change to happen.
A lot has happened in the past year. I stumbled around, not really knowing what I was doing, but I’ve somehow made some major improvements in my life. Now I feel like I’m at a similar point; I need a major lifestyle overhaul, but again, I don’t know how to make it happen. Am I going to have to stumble around again for a year? I mean, if I knew what I needed to do, I’d be doing it, right?
Stumbling around was exciting; there were a lot of highs, but also a lot of lows. Since I’ve gotten closer to knowing what I need (though I mostly have no idea how to get it), maybe this time there will be less drowning, and more swimming?
I think what I’ve been doing all my life, unconsciously, is submitting myself to dismal situations so that I can figure out what I really can’t live without. Sometimes I will deliberately turn away from something that makes me happy, and I never understood why. For example, I like playing piano, but I used to experience such fear when I felt the motivation to play. I suppose the rationalization is that if you live with something, how do you know you can’t live without it? Maybe there’s something better out there you aren’t living with, solely because you haven’t discovered it or haven’t been giving it any time and attention?
I’m not sure this is the best way to go about living passionately. If I’m happy playing piano, then isn’t my happiness the proof I need that it’s a good idea? Is the perfect version of “happy” really worth all the chaos and torment? Especially since I’m discovering that I end up right back where I started, i.e., the perfect version of happy is the same as the regular kind.
I guess this is kind of the “conscious” way to live passionately, maybe, though it’s an unconscious process. What the hell?
In any case, I don’t really have a choice, I do it whether I like it or not. I’ve lived through some terrible shit because of this impulse, but as an unexpected but also unsurprising consequence, there are certain things that I know I can’t live without, and other things I know not to waste my time on. As result, I’m not compelled to turn away from everything that makes me happy: less lows, more highs.
These things are, as of now:
4. Facing the mind’s fear, asking the dark questions
7. Helping those who can’t help themselves
I’m discovering that I find almost all of these things, or a combination of some of them, in what I naturally am attracted to. Also, they all imply at least one of the others. For example, music, when I’m really into it, is almost a spiritual experience for me. Laughter implies honesty; laughing is almost as involuntary as a sneeze, and you can almost always tell when a laugh is fake (in fact, studies show that when presented with pictures of people who either smiled deliberately or involuntarily, study participants are able to tell the difference). There is no such thing as dishonest love. Spirituality, for me, means a sort of transcendence of love in all situations, a rise above reality, and peace. Helping others is motivated by love, and fear is the enemy of love, and so it must be faced.
I’m having trouble turning this knowledge into action. I’m going to try to go with the flow, and follow through with my inspiration in the moment. Lately, this means:
1. Writing on this blog
2. Writing a horror novel
3. Writing more music, and sharing it by posting it and performing it
4. Writing comedy skits, posting it, or performing it
5. Go to meditation or dance classes
As a side effect of doing what I’m passionate about and meeting more people, I think I might get rid of the bored-with-my-friends syndrome. Anyway, I’m getting very close to drafting a list that excites the fuck out of me. Progress. I also would like to travel and go back to school for either music or counseling.
But I need deadlines. I had the idea of setting long-term goals, and then shorter-term ones (like monthly goals), and then gearing each day towards achieving one of these goals. I’ll try that out.
I’m not getting any younger!