Safety or Spontaneity

I keep my job. I see money, friends, bars, movies, restaurants, freedom in a box, stability. No high highs, but also no low lows.

I quit. I see possibility, dreams, passion, excitement, music, life, touching the sky, hitting rock bottom, depression. Unpredictability.

I’m always tempted to jump for the second option, but it’s usually because the first option ain’t that great anyway. This time, every bit of my intelligence (as well as my fear of depression) is telling me that #1 is the option to choose. For once, just stick with it. It’s easy, it’s there, go with it! But every part of me that’s actually alive and restless and curious is fighting real hard for option #2.

Being unemployed is the absolute worst, in my experience. Employers don’t think you’re worth a dime, and you start to think the same. You consequently can’t pay for anything you want (or need, for that matter — hello, old grocery store sidewalk bread) and begin to think you don’t deserve it anyway. I don’t want to go there again.

I’m really confused. So many other people in my position would be as happy as a pig in shit. Why am I constantly jumping around? I feel like an eternal life sampler… but, I actually kind of like it. If I step back for a second and look at everything I’m pushed myself to try, I’m happy with what I’ve experienced. I’m tired of berating myself for quitting all the time; it’s not giving up, it’s acting on the dream of achieving real happiness rather than sedation.

I am, however, eager to find something I can stick with. In my mind, this will come to me as something I can’t pull myself away from… but what if it actually appears in a different form? What if it sucks at the beginning? What if I don’t push through, and I miss out on my calling?

I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years. When I moved last time, I was miserable and needed a change to escape depression. This time, I’m coasting, and I think my desire to leave is motivated more by curiosity than by fear. I’m more confident that I could make myself happy wherever I find myself… but if I can explore, then why not?

I’m at a crossroads. It’s lease-signing time, and in a couple weeks I’ll have nowhere to live. I could sign a lease in Montréal and keep my “permanent position” job (each working day making my resignation more guilt-inducing), bring all my shit here and commence the nesting phase. I don’t feel excited about this.

OR, I could get jobs in Toronto that are more closely related to what I really want to work towards in my life (and which are neither permanent nor disposable), see my sister more often, change the scenery, and maybe even start to construct a custom-fit life. Isn’t that what life is about, custom fitting? Creating what doesn’t already exist? I’ve known for a while that I don’t want to contribute to the way things already roll… so why do I keep doing exactly that?

I’ve thought and talked about this too much today so I’m sure this post is a little cryptic. I’ll follow up when I’m not half asleep.


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