I’m figuring out that the upside of consistently being traumatized by something in life, is that I will always have something new to be sad/mad/embarrassed/emotional in general about. As long as I keep doing things — which, with great difficulty, I have learned to do — I can be sure that I will keep being traumatized.
How fucked up is that? But I’ll take it.
That means that a specific trauma will never really last that long.
That means that, when disaster strikes, one thing I can tell myself is that it won’t be permanent — which is part of why disaster is so scary to begin with. That means that this, too, shall pass.
I always find out too late that something isn’t scary. As I think back to the experiences in university that terrified me, I wish I had known then that they weren’t actually terrifying – and I could have had so much more fun.
I don’t want my life to be constant terror. Because if I figure out how to live life fully once I’m on my deathbed, I will have lived ONE wasted life. But I don’t know how to not be afraid.
Maybe I just have to constantly do things that are more traumatizing than the last, but at a pace faster than that of normal life. And then I can go back to the thing that scared me, and be like “BAH, you got nothin’.”
That’s actually the best I’ve got right now.