What I Learned From Selling Everything I Own

I frequently have these “ah-hah!” moments, usually thanks to quotes, movies, blogs or photographs, during which I feel this lightness and it’s as though I’m expanding and everything makes sense. Although I believe that probably some fundamental shifts happen at an unconscious level during these moments regardless of what follows, the clarity and excitement usually dissipate.

There’s a powerful thought that reliably brings me back that clarity, though. It reminds me over and over to keep adjusting my path as I’m walking it. It’s this: I am already whole. The idea that I do not have to become anyone, that I should only embrace the path I’m on and expand from there, is incredibly inspiring to me. It even inspired me to sell almost everything I owned so I could “live in the now,” and “not focus on the past,” and all that stuff, though ironically, selling my past has given me a deeper appreciation of it.

Perfection doesn’t exist

To an almost hopeless perfectionist, finding out you are already complete is absolutely wonderful news. Many people experience perfectionism as immobilization; there are always too many things to do to achieve perfection–it’s exhausting even to think about. But it doesn’t surprise me that we’ve grown up with this mindset, given the language we were and are surrounded by. First of all, we are shown that “perfect” does exist: 100%, A+, whatever. That’s what we are told to strive for, and we do.

So when we learn that perfect can’t be achieved, because perfect does not exist, what happens? Well, to a little girl who is showered with praise from family and awards from teachers for her excellent scholastic achievements and who falls out of love with the school system, it feels like the world falls out of love with her.

Also, we are told that we have to become someone. We go to school to learn skills that cost tens of thousands of dollars, because “McDonald’s is hiring” and be careful because that’s where we’ll end up if we don’t work ourselves sick to get the piece of paper that proves that we know what happens on Odysseus’ travels and which qualifies us to do more than flip burgers, which we should be embarrassed to ever have to do because it means that we are either stupid or lazy or both. (By the way, I’d love for someone to teach me how to flip a burger because that shit doesn’t come naturally and I can’t do it. And by the way again, I don’t remember what happens in The Odyssey, so I don’t know where that leaves me.)

N.B. There’s nothing wrong with working at a food joint. I’d never work at McDonald’s, but only because it’s poisoning us and the environment and seriously, screw them.

Anyway, I didn’t get a master’s degree like my friends did, which also meant that I had stopped becoming anything. I was unhappy and felt completely inauthentic. I wanted to start from scratch, and I wanted to find truth. I thought that this meant completely renouncing my past; after all, my past had led me here, right? I wanted to travel. I wanted to get rid of my belongings. I wanted new friends. I wanted to scream at anyone who tried to reel me back in. I was angry, but mostly sad.

I wanted to restart, but I was scared, so I did so slowly, without really realizing it. I moved to another province for a couple years. I left my stuff with my parents, and discovered that I didn’t need any of it. Future: 1, Past: 0. I got a job in my field, psychology, but it was boring and mindless, so I quit. I got a job at a grocery store because I was tired of PhDs controlling me. It got old, so I quit. I got a job at an office in a final attempt at using whatever skills I had already, and I hated it. All of this gave me the courage to really put my past-clearing theory to the test. I quit that job, spent a month selling all of my belongings, terminated my lease, hopped on a bus and crashed at my very generous sister’s apartment until further notice. This is where I am currently.

Shedding baggage makes you feel lighter

I still have some papers to get rid of, but I can’t tell you how liberating that leap was. Some days, while I was still working, I was ready to give in to the office life. I told myself it wouldn’t be that bad, and my coworkers are nice people to be around. Those were the days, I realize now, that were the most dangerous–the days my soul was closest to its death.

I experienced a lot of grief while I was getting rid of my stuff. I found it annoying because I didn’t understand it and it was getting in the way. But I didn’t dismiss it entirely; I went through everything slowly, keeping the stuff that I absolutely could not part with: some photographs, the doll my late grandmother gave me, stuff like that. I really didn’t want to keep them, though. Even keeping my identification pissed me off. I wanted to be like Christopher McCandless (yeah, the dude who died in the wild), but something about these objects made me happy, and I figured I could always get rid of them later.

Embrace and expand your past

Not too long ago, I was looking through my sister’s old photo albums. I hadn’t done that in so long and it made me so happy, yet I had been so annoyed with my decision to keep my own old photographs and dolls. These pictures were evidence of my childhood, of the care my parents took of me, of the true friendships I had even as a child, of how happy I was. The very existence of my sister’s photos of me is evidence that she cares enough about me to want to remember me. I remembered how I had been almost ready to throw all of mine away, and I started crying.

I’d always been so incredibly confused about why anyone would want to hold on to things–doesn’t it make them feel tied down? Stuck? Miserable? I think I’ve learned something valuable. Today, I’m glad that I was so scrupulous in deciding of what to renounce ownership. Though I’m happier now with much less baggage, I’m also happy that I still have a few things that remind me of wonderful moments in my past.

As someone who struggles with depression, I tend to remember bad events much more easily than I remember the good ones. In fact, I remember my entire undergraduate experience as generally being a terrible one–so terrible that I don’t remember most of it, because I’ve tried so hard to forget it. But when I remember that I met some of my best friends in university, I know that my memory is inaccurate. There were definitely many difficult learning experiences, but it wasn’t all bad. And whether it’s photographs, tattoos, jewelry, or yearly get-togethers, I need reminders of the beautiful things that have happened to me. Also, I’m discovering that what made me happy as a child is what makes me happy now.

There’s a limit, though. Visit the past to help you move confidently into the future, but don’t stay there. Keep only what helps you move forward.

Authenticity is your only career option

And so, here I am. These past few months have been so incredibly difficult. I’ve gone from feeling on top of the world to feeling like the most useless pile of crap, and back again. And again. I know that I really want to contribute to society, something I’m not doing very much of right now, but I’m also very selfish–what I find most difficult is doing something I don’t want to do. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m convinced that it’s due to all those years in school trying so hard to be a good student; I’m burnt out–permanently.

I’ve lost all interest in becoming anything or anyone, but staying true to myself is my biggest battle right now. Everyone wants something of you. I value service, so I often get swept up into fulfilling someone else’s wishes, which inevitably ends in a burn-out.

So, I guess it makes sense that something clicks when I hear stuff like “embrace the path you were born on” and “you are already whole.” If someone else finds wisdom in this, maybe I’m not wrong! But I’m having trouble finding the intersection of who I am, and what people value.

I’ve done tons of research. I’ve considered every career under the sun. Some days I’m set on becoming a paramedic. Others, a nurse, a photographer, a writer, a lawyer. Overall though, nothing rings true. Should I just go for anything, because once you commit to something, you’re psychologically more inclined to be satisfied with it (truth, by the way)? Probably. But I won’t, yet.

I’ve considered entrepreneurship. I love business and marketing. I have tons of ideas. I love the idea of serving a market. The problem is that once I figure everything out in my head and come up with the perfect plan, I have no desire to follow through. What’s up with that? Anyway, for that reason I’ve considered business consulting. But still, I’d have to “become” that, because no one would be willing to pay for me at this stage, I’m too much of a noob. And with my history of losing interest unexpectedly, and given that I can’t do things I don’t want to do, I don’t trust myself to push through. I’ll just waste time.

You read a lot of self-help stuff that tells you that you can be who you are in this world, and get paid for it. That’s the dream, right? I choose to believe it. If I’m honest with myself, I think I would be almost perfectly happy dancing around all day, taking photographs, doing yoga, faking spanish accents and playing with puppies–the only thing missing would be my contribution. I’m almost over caring what other people think about my career, though. No one is going to give me a gold star. A couple years ago, that would have made me cry, but I think I’m okay with it now. Although I’m not terribly frightened of living a homeless life, it’s not ideal, so I’ve got to support myself if I want to be part of this system; however, the skills I want to get paid for aren’t up to market needs. If you’re in my position, learning of some sort (taking value) is probably in your future, which means you’ll have to compromise (provide non-ideal value) for a while.

I’m not talking about selling your soul. I’m talking about finding a way to satisfy your survival needs while you get busy remembering the path you were born onto, embracing it, and allowing yourself to expand until people will pay to learn or buy from you. Or not. If no one ever pays you, it’s still better than any alternative; there is no substitute for authenticity.

This is my next step: I’ll be working part-time for four months on a farm in exchange for room and board. Sort of like WWOOFing, I guess. For four months, my survival needs will be covered. I like multitasking, so I love the idea that I’ll be learning about farming (an interest of mine) while working (providing value) on one. Also, since it’s only part-time, I can either get another part-time job for some extra cash, or spend time on my other interests. This farm also happens to be near my parents, which I like, so this set-up is perfect for me.

There is a perfect set-up for you, too. Try thinking about whose dirty work you wouldn’t mind doing, and then see what they can offer you for it. Again, it’s not permanent, and it gives you the time to build the skills you want to get paid for. Consider picking a company you admire and that has high turnover positions. A few places that come to mind are health food stores, maybe coffee shops, local book stores–clerk jobs. Personally, as long as the managers are good people, I normally don’t mind these types of jobs because I like being around people.

If you spend time learning who you are, loving who you are, learning what you love to do and how to do it well, you’ll eventually become an expert. Experts can be professionals, and professionals get paid. Bam.

Advertisements

9 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

9 responses to “What I Learned From Selling Everything I Own

  1. I love this entire entry so much! I’m going through the pains of ‘what am i supposed to be when i grow up?’ and I’m 31 years old. All of the thoughts and situations that you talk about are so relevant to me right now that it makes me a little grateful to know I’m not in this alone although I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone. But again, like you said, it’s growing, it’s learning who we are, loving who we are, and learning to do what we love and to do it well. I’m still working on all of that… and it feels like it takes an eternity. Maybe it does, I don’t know.
    The work experience that you’re talking about doing is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Having a lot of bills and a full time job that pays really well keeps me from doing it but I’m putting it on the back burner in hopes that when it’s time for me to experience that, I’ll be in a better situation. I’m curious to see how yours goes and I thank you for writing. This totally made my day.

    • bbbberries

      Hi fixisin! I’m so happy that I was able to remind you that you aren’t alone, and your post helps me remember it, too :). Since I sold everything, I haven’t looked back. I still feel so much lighter, and I feel like I’m more able to look at my future without looking back at what I’m still dragging along. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything, and the only thing that is holding me back is myself (which is arguably more difficult to deal with, but a lot simpler).

      If you want this experience, you can have it. Do whatever feels right to you right now, and it will come. 🙂

  2. Thanks – what a great post! A lot of what you wrote mirrors my experience and you’ve described it perfectly. I share your entrepreneurial spark, but the lack of interest in following through – so I find that spending time around entrepreneurs (who do follow through) lets me feel like I’m contributing, but without the pressure of actually doing something with all of my ideas! And for me, the standard career progression got less and less attractive the closer I got to the top – so I jumped off that treadmill and am now supplementing my part-time ‘day job’ with other fun stuff that really interests me. And sometimes that’s just writing a little bit of nonsense for my blog, or picking up my nieces from school, or going for a long walk on a sunny day. A sort of halfway house with some security and some variety (some LIFE!), which is working for me at the moment. Anyways, enough about me. Enjoy your farm experience and whatever else follows – am sure there are many interesting adventures ahead and I look forward to reading about them!

    • bbbberries

      Yay EverydaySparks, it sounds like you’re well on your way! I feel the same way about the “halfway house”. This farming thing is exactly that for me, and it’s teaching me more about what I want and don’t want. It’s perfectly right for me right now though, and I’m having so much fun.

      Spending more time doing what you want to do, even if it’s just blog nonsense, will make you less and less tolerant of doing what you don’t want to do. And the good stuff won’t have any choice but to grow, and take more of your time. 🙂

  3. I love this post! I completely know what you mean about wanting to get rid of your possessions, of shedding the weight of your past and of moving forward. I have been doing the same for the past two years. I started with my clothes and books, now I am moving on to papers. Next it will be photos and documents on my laptop. I feel lighter the fewer things I have.

    • bbbberries

      That’s awesome! Your physical reality is a reflection of your inner reality… you can’t shed one without the other, and it feels so great to let go of what isn’t serving you anymore. 🙂

  4. Judith Clark

    I feel so comforted, that you have the exact feeling I am experiencing. I feel trapped and am going to start selling everything I own. Just reading your blog has inspied me to carry on and put my thoughts into actions. Am scared but I know as soon as I just start it will all fall into place. I am just so tired of being a solution to everyone around me. Instead of focusing on what I need to do, I am drowning imaterial things. I have been reading of packing a tog bag for three days. It would be so cool only to have that to worry about tyding every day. I know it is only a dream at this point

  5. Robin

    So did you do the farm thing? Your life sounds like mine. I am trying so hard to find a path and do it! im 38 years old homeless for last year off and on…due to not being able to settle anymore, I have 3 kids and a husband. I am talented and smart. I went to college..undergrad and graduate but I feel like that doesnt define me. Your blog helps me see I’m not crazy….I just know there is something I NEED to do and it’s not work,sleep,repeat….

    • bbbberries

      Hi Robin! I did do the farm thing about two years ago now. It was a great experience, and I got a lot out of it. There were a lot of unexpected learning experiences I had to have, though, which wasn’t always easy. I’m glad this blog is helping you feel less crazy! Writing it helps me feel the same. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s