I’ve been dreaming of a car for the longest time.
I love driving, I’m planning to travel, and the feeling of independence and not having to RELY on others to get me around will feel AMAZING. I truly can’t wait.
I don’t have much money to spend on a car, and I know that the universe knows what’s in my bank account. I also know that money can come from surprising places, so I placed my order with the universe, and I THOUGHT that I wasn’t muddling it up by worrying about the money.
I’m okay with used. So, I asked for: safety, ability to sleep inside and carry everything I own, a heating system that works, a colour that makes me happy, nothing to fix up, gas economy, low cost, relatively low KMs since I want it for long-distance travelling, preferably space for 5 people, something easy to drive and with a window at the back (I like my rear-view). I asked for the search to NOT be stressful, and lastly, I asked for something that just feels right.
I imagined what the perfect car would feel like, and it was awesome. I didn’t know what to expect, because I couldn’t picture anything that would fit all those requirements. I had been thinking about a camper van, BUT those aren’t super good on gas, or a pick-up with a cap, but sometimes you can’t see out the back of those. So I just relaxed, acknowledging that I am very unfamiliar with most types of cars.
But, I could feel that there was a conflict in my vibration, and I couldn’t figure out how to clean it up. I had the feeling that I wouldn’t find what I wanted.
Then–surprise! My friend found an ad on Kijiji for a station wagon. What a great idea! It fit every single requirement.
I went to see the car in the ad today, and it was absolutely perfect. The only thing is… it doesn’t feel right.
Still, when I was there, my impulse was to buy it. I know nothing about cars, and I can be relatively certain that this one will not be a problem. I also don’t like dealing with competing buyers, or waiting too long to get what I want, and I am really anxious to get the whole insurance/registration nightmare over with, so I really feel like just getting it all done. (Notice how this is all about avoiding discomfort!)
But when I think about bringing it home and driving it across the country and finally having the freedom I had dreamed of… I don’t feel excited. I almost feel like I’m buying a dress that fits just because it’s on sale, knowing I won’t wear it unless I have to.
My logic = yes, but my intuition = not yet. So frustrating!
It also kind of feels like when I took my last office job; logically, it was a good idea… but inside, I just felt so constricted.
So, I decided to let myself settle down a bit. I told myself that what I really want is to think about it, and if someone takes it while I’m thinking, it wasn’t meant to be. I thought about how I would feel if someone else did take it while I was making my decision… and I wasn’t upset–there would be other cars. THAT’s when I knew I was in the proper state of mind to make a decision: I had let go of attachment to outcome.
So what do I do? What’s my decision?
If there are other cars, why am I in such a hurry to buy now? I literally found the ad for this car 2 days ago, and I’m ready to buy it. I could just as easily find something tomorrow, and have a car by Friday. What’s the rush? Why am I so agitated?
ANNDDD here we are. I’ve just identified the part of my vibration I wasn’t able to clean up before. There was something in me that was attracting something less than what I was dreaming of–a disbelief that I could get what I wanted for the price I wanted to spend, a willingness to settle for less, a belief that there are only a few cars out there that satisfy my requirements. Scarcity. That’s what I expected, and that’s what I got.
Though I’m not a huge fan of the expression: it’s right here in front of me, a clear manifestation (makes me think of bugs) of my vibration.
So, do I swim in it, or do I clean it up? Do I stay here, or do I raise my standards?
Do I take the car despite this vague feeling that there’s one out there that is really fit for ME? If I settle for this, what else will I settle for?
I was afraid that if I walked away from this, I would feel as constricted as I did before. Trapped, dependent, small.
But something strange is happening.
As I consider moving right along on my merry way, the world is opening up.
Saying yes would have been easy. Which makes sense, because this car is evidence of where I’m at, and where you’re at is always easy.
Saying NO is the hard thing. Opening up to something you haven’t experienced, trusting that something better is out there, politely refusing without feeling like you’re missing out, THAT’s the hard thing. But that’s exactly what life is about.
This isn’t about buying a car, or even about buying freedom or independence. It’s about what I’m WILLING to let myself have in life. There’s infinite possibility out there, and in saying NO, I acknowledge it’s there & open myself up to receiving it.
And I truly believe this.
I actually feel way better saying NO than I would if I said YES. It feels like I’m taking a quantum leap, and that now, only better things are on their way to me.
Looking at ads that made sense but made me a little sad has led to this point. I could have heeded my emotions and, early on, paid attention to better fits, but I decided to follow the path all the way to the “NO TURNING BACK” sign, and that’s okay. Well really, I could always have turned back, I just would have been a little poorer and had a crappy car to sell.
Next time though, I’ll know better. 🙂
Where are you doubting your intuition? What would happen if you honoured your emotions? Is there a path you’re on that you know is just a detour, and can you get off of it now?