Cleaning the clutter, wiping the dust off my heart.

I’ve been finding it difficult to write lately. I’m in a period of massive information intake, and so I’m not sure of anything. It feels like I know SO MUCH, but at the same time, very little. Some say this feeling only gets worse as you learn more, which spells doom for this blog, since I tend to only want to write when I’m pretty sure of something and I can express it clearly.

But anyway. I came here to talk about something, which reminds me: it’s actually probably more accurate to say that I’m in a period of purging.

I need a pattern interrupt. I’ve been doings things a certain way for about a year, and though it’s been an upgrade from the year before, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any closer to my major goals.

At the same time, I’m not a fan of forcing and pushing. I know I can force myself to instill new habits or accomplish goals. I’ve done it countless times, and while it feels good to have completed something, the process is gruelling.

But, this is the norm. So many people tell you that that’s how things get done–but I’m looking for a different way. A gentler, funner way.

Sometimes I get frustrated, though, because I want things to move faster and I consider just going on that diet, or just committing to exercising every other day, or committing to writing every day or whatever. While that certainly will get me closer to my goals, it just doesn’t freaking inspire me!

But again, I do realize that my habits need to change.

Yesterday, I actually felt inspired to switch off. I’ve become a little addicted to the internet as of late, and yesterday felt SO GOOD. Well, in the end, it felt good. I spent quite a bit of time sitting on a chair tapping my knees, not knowing what to do next. During a lull, I’m used to checking my e-mail or Facebook, which usually turns into minutes or hours wasting time exploring which of my high school friends has gained weight, reading e-mails I should have probably trashed, or checking if it was really that actor in that movie and how old he is now and who he’s married to. And I’m used to having my computer around if I get an idea I want to write down (I’m addicted to that, too. Notes/brain everywhere).

I HATE being bored. I hate it so much that I don’t allow myself the time to figure out what I actually need. What I actually want to do. It’s not like Facebook makes my heart sing and I just HAVE to check my notifications. No. I just feel compelled to drown out the boredom, and that’s what I’ve come to automatically do. This isn’t very different from any other addiction.

So anyway, I decided to pretend I was a kid, like when my family used to go to the cottage for a week. Zero things on my to-do list, perfectly safe, and absolutely bored. (It’s actually quite helpful to think back to your childhood; I do it often.)

What fun did I make for myself as a child? What would I do if there was nothing TO do? Surely there’s no way I’d sit around all day. I’d find something to do.

Many people are finding that being constantly connected and entertained is actually a hindrance to creativity. As you may know, I sold most of my belongings last year. Still, I normally take a few key things with me wherever I go: my computer, some books, my camera and an extra lens, a sketchbook, sometimes some paints, clothes, and all the usual toiletries. A few years ago, I couldn’t imagine living in such a minimalistic way. Today, I’m finding that excess exists, even within this lifestyle.

Not that I’d sell my computer. It’s not her fault; it’s the fault of a mindset. Having backup–just in case life gets boring–smothers my creativity.

As I sat shaking my legs and itching to just do something, I found myself gravitating toward the piano. Still drowning out the boredom, but, in my opinion, practice is infinitely more productive than Facebook-surfing. I played much longer yesterday than I have in a while. And, incidentally, my voice teacher called me while I was playing and offered me some great advice and support (is that synchronistic or what?).

I also took out my sketch pad and began speed-sketching people on TV. Not my best work, but still fun.

Last year, I spent a lot of time reading books and listening to spiritual and personal development stuff on the internet. I spent a LOT of time on the computer, and there is no part of me that believes that this time was wasted; I had so many questions, and there is so much intelligent and inspiring information online.

But at this point, I feel like I’m good. I still have many, many questions about life and love and the universe, but there is so much knowledge that I could be putting into practice. My mind is saturated, and additional information is now confusing.

It’s time to get back to the basics and let myself guide myself.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Cleaning the clutter, wiping the dust off my heart.

  1. happyhandmadelife

    This whole post is like a glimpse of my life and my feelings. I know exactly what you are on about! One of my posts is actually about what one enjoyed doing as a child. And I also hate boredom so much!!! I am in treat. Totally following you.

  2. Feeling much the same. Sometimes it’s the best thing to shut out the world and really get back in touch with creativity, imagination, and your inner child. Thanks for the insightful post! I have much to think about.

  3. A Table in the Sun

    I am feeling the same…..unplugging more and more.

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