Mid-winter unemployed person rant

I haven’t found a voice for this blog so I never know what to write, despite having lots to say. My sister can tell you. She’s my only friend right now, and so she hears a proportionate amount of my mind vomit, which would be all of it.

Maybe I just don’t like my voice, and so I don’t write. Or make friends. Or wash my hair every week.

Anyway, essentially, this is the news: I arrived in Toronto on the 19th of January, and my friend has been letting me sleep on her couch ever since (thank God). She lives downtown, so I’ve been spending a lot of my time walking around, handing out resumes. No bites, except for a couple corporate (blegh) interviews (you know that means they went really well), and today: I scored an uber part-time job. I should be happy, but should I really? With an earning potential of $330 a month after taxes?

I’m also soul-searching, as always. I tell myself that this is an admirable thing to be doing and that I’m one of the few who are “awake” and that is basically the only thing that gets me through the day. If I’m wrong about any of this, shhhh.

I did realize that I really have to focus my energy on what I want, if I ever want to get it. I’ve been paying attention to my jealousy, because it’s supposed to tell you important things about yourself. The problem is that I’m jealous of pretty much everyone.

I’m jealous of musicians, actors, novelists, comedy writers, stand-up comedians, improvisers, life coaches, entrepreneurs, and anyone at all who has their life together, which is confusing because then I’m tricked into thinking I want to be things like doctors and nurses.

… would that be so bad?

Anyway, I think I’ve narrowed down my field of career interests to things that are creative. I want a creative career, and I haven’t, up until now, been able to admit that to myself.

I want to sing. I want to play piano.

I want to write books, TV shows, films.

I want to make movies.

I want to paint or draw or something.

I want to be on stage. Doing what? Beats me. (Oooor maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I want to do comedy and improv, but to say that’s what I want is so scary because I’m so bad at it.)

When I get confused and overwhelmed by everything I want to do, I try to clear the table by asking myself what my passion is, and what I spend my time doing anyway.

Well, here’s the thing: I don’t have a passion. Okay, I’m sure I do, but I can’t answer this question as easily as it’s meant to be answered. I haven’t had an obsession with singing or acting or whatever since I was a toddler. I’ve come to have serious beef with people in interviews who say “Well, I’ve always been a ___. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything else. People always told me I would be doing ___. I love my life. I have been chosen.”

What did I do? I dabbled. A lot. And I was good at some things. But I wouldn’t say that dabbling itself is a passion of mine, because I’m extremely frustrated at my lack of skill at anything.

And what I spend my time doing isn’t a good indication of what I should be doing, because I hate that I spend all my time on the computer or on Facebook or wondering what I would love to be doing.

When I finally do carve out time to practise the things I think will make me happy, I get super anxious, especially when I sit down to write fiction. So much crap comes out, which is actually probably my 14-year-old self’s backlogged ideas rearing their crappy little heads.

Okay, so I know this is all common for people my age. While it can be soothing to hear that sometimes, it just mostly doesn’t help at all.

I also know that passion comes from passion, so it’s my job to make passion with what I have, not to find it in something external. But I alsoalso know that as a human being, I’m entitled to a couple crybaby moments in the face of something difficult I have to do.

Anyway. Progress? Maybe.

I still get tricked into thinking I want to be a real estate agent when I see one in a suit, buying a round of drinks for his friends, though.

So really, I don’t know what I’m doing.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Mid-winter unemployed person rant

  1. Hi there. I subscribed to your blog a long while ago… anyway, I read this entry and I completely empathize with you. It’s really tough in the job market… when I was hunting (for about a year after I graduated) and ended up doing some shitty part-time jobs that nearly killed me (stress, emotional burnout). It’s hard to figure out what you want, and it’s okay if you like many things. I love many things, writing, editing, drawing, painting, teaching fitness classes, doing fitness, reading, teaching people about health and wellness, holistic medicine, and many other things!! So it’s okay… the point of life is to follow your bliss and do what makes you happy. Try and do one thing at a time if you can because it can be hard to focus on too many things at once. What do you choose first? Well start chatting with people, network, tell them your interests, but I bet you something will emerge that you REALLY REALLY want to do right now. You may end up getting to the other stuff later when it feels right, but find something you really want to do right now. I recently started reading ‘Money, and the Law of Attraction’ by Jerry and Esther Hicks (Abraham is the ‘Source’ who guides their words) and it talks about how to attract abundance to you (which everyone is entitled to because there is more than enough in the world, no matter what the media would have you believe–ignore the latter). Anyway, there was a bit on career that I thought I’d share with you:

    “Abraham: What are you meaning by ‘life’s work’ [referring to career]?

    Jerry: Some work that people would plan to spend the rest of their lives doing, like a job, profession or business, or a trade…

    Abraham: Are you telling us that it is a widespread belief, or accepted desire, of your culture to choose a career and expect to live happily ever after within one topic, forevermore?”

    Another good one that made me think was:

    “Abraham:…But we want to acknowledge: You are always inspired from the events of your life, and when you allow yourself to follow the flow of those inspired ideas, your potential for joyous experience is much greater than if you were to select your career based on other reasons people use to justify their choices, such as family tradition or income potential. It is not surprising that so many have a difficult time deciding what they will do for the rest of their lives, because you are multifaceted Beings and your dominant intent is to enjoy your absolute basis of freedom, and in your quest for joyful experiences, to experience expansion and growth.”

    Anyway, that’s the gist… But I highly recommend reading this. ‘What Colour is Your Parachute’ is a good one too…but different than the Hicks’ books on the law of attraction. I dunno if this made any sense but I hope it helped. Also, you’re not alone. 🙂

    • bbbberries

      I love Abraham. I talk about them a bit in some of my other posts. They have been my principal guiding light for the past year-or-so. I like those quotes, I’m not sure I’ve heard them. I love how Abraham always calls us out on our ridiculousness, I mean it IS pretty ridiculous to want to choose one thing and do it forever. I guess it just seems like it would be simpler.

      I hear you on picking the thing you want to do MOST right now, and doing the rest when it feels right. I think I needed to be reminded of that. I’ve definitely been trying to do it all at once and it doesn’t work.

      Thanks for the reply!

  2. sophie king

    I could have written this post… everything you talk about I’m going through too. I have the almost part time job with only 300 odd pound a month; I also find myself getting jealous of everyone who has there life together; I spend my days on the computer and think about all the things I like but have no skill for.
    I am so glad that I am not the only one. It’s so hard to stay motivated isn’t it? I feel like my whole life is on hold until I get a decent job

    • bbbberries

      Totally. I’ve been playing with the idea of “living your life how you want to live it, right NOW.” I find that incredibly liberating. For example, I spend on what I REALLY want, whether I have the money or not, believing that the universe will support me in my desires in some way or another. The thing is, what I REALLY want, at least right now, turns out to be very little, or not that expensive, so for the most part it’s working out. It’s harder to NOT buy the things I don’t really want but I’m using to compensate for something (ahem, drinks).

      Also, sometimes I get stuck thinking that to live a location-independent lifestyle, I have to have a lot of money, and that will come later… but that’s just not the case.

      I’m not 100% good at this yet, but it’s just a matter of believing it can work out, I suppose.

  3. Hi bbbberries, I love reading your blog! I have felt the same way many times in the past. I feel I have discovered my passion and am following it, although some bumps come up now and again. Part of my passion is coaching, and I am going through an “Ideal LifeVision” certification program to help people identify and reach their goals more easily. Just a month ago I attended the workshop with Ann Webb, the founder, and then decided to get certified. It is amazing. Check it out at http://ideallifevision.com . Now, this might sound too good to be true (or you might run for your life, I don’t know 😉 ) but I am looking for practice clients in order to get certified as a coach. When I read your post, I thought you might like to make your own ideal life vision. THIS IS NOT SPAM. I promise. Coaching normally costs $500 to $1000. I am offering it for free if you commit to being coached for 5 one-hour-long sessions and recording your life vision (because if you don’t follow through I have to go through the whole process again with someone else in order to get certified). Think of it as getting rewarded for your blog post! Email me and we can set up a time to talk and you can find out this is for real. 😉 I would love to work with you because you seem like someone I would like to work with. So I hope you say yes.

    • bbbberries

      Hmm, I know you said this isn’t spam, but I can’t tell if this is spam, haha. I’m actually enrolled in a life coaching training right now too, but I’ve taken a bit of a break to clear my head. But I’d love to get coached. What does “recording my life vision” entail?

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