Tag Archives: Authenticity

The First Step to Happiness

If it were 100% up to you, how would you fill your days?

How would you fill one day?

How would you spend your time?

What makes you happy? Feel joy? Love? Pride?

It should be obvious… but do you know?

Do you remember?

If there’s one question worth answering, it’s this:

What would my perfect day look/feel like?

If you don’t know the answer, you might never know if you’re on the right track, or when you stray from it. And by the way, your life IS 100% up to you, so it’s worth it to get clear on how you want to live it.

You could look through old photo albums, or call old friends. Dig up great memories, rediscover the reason for their magic and seek to recreate it.

If you’re coming up short, maybe it’s time to try something new, or reignite an old passion despite scars, resistances and fears.

Having experienced some pretty intense anxiety lately as well as some time in the hospital, I’ve had to strip away everything toxic and really pay attention to what nourishes me. The “perfect day” question is difficult for me to answer, but it’s so important and gives me such great direction and clarity. It also reminds me that I can be too hard on myself, because if I can’t answer a simple question like this, there must be a legitimate gap in my understanding. I’m still discovering who I am and what makes me happy, so how can I expect myself to know everything if I just… don’t?

Most of us have accumulated a lot of crappy beliefs and effectively confused ourselves, even on the topic of ourselves… and that’s okay. We’re figuring it out. But simply not knowing yet is different from knowing but not acting on that knowledge.

This is what I do know.

– Going to the gym, doing yoga and giving my best shot at meditation is deeply healing and nourishing.

– I love singing and becoming a better musician.

– Cooking for people & hosting get-togethers makes me feel in control and on my game.

– I’ll think of more later…

If I spend my time doing more of this, there’s no way I can’t get happier. A lot of people love to tell you to take action despite the urge to procrastinate, but I’m really not a fan of doing things without inspiration. I love dreaming and imagination and swelling up with excitement and feeling the inevitability of my energy spilling over into some love endeavour. BUT… Personally, I’ve found that I have some weird inhibiting thoughts around certain activities I KNOW make me happy, and it’d be more difficult to sit around and change those thoughts than to just take action. I do, despite myself, get a certain amount of satisfaction from following a routine, and I do feel pride when I do what I say I’ll do–and I think that’s where I need to start. It’s not easy to show up for yoga every day, but I know it’s what I need. What do you need? And when you’ve got that down, what do you want? (But “want” and “need” are really the same thing, in my opinion.)

I’ve also found that I can’t skip over ANY of this when it comes to building my business. If I build something I don’t love, I’ll be unfulfilled and it will fail miserably, no question.

Other juicy questions:

:: Who have you always wanted to be? Who do you love to be?

:: Who would you regret NOT being? What would you regret NOT doing?

:: What are you ridiculously good at?

:: What do you find yourself daydreaming about? How does it make you feel? Can you create even a mini version of it in real life, right now?

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Project “Do Whatever I Want”

I’m’a woo-woo it up in hurr.

So I’ve been practising this whole law of attraction “releasing resistance” thing, and I think I’m getting pretty good at it. I’ve been giving some thought to where I want to head over the next couple months, and today I was putting together an itinerary. Toronto, then New York, then maybe Montreal… and I was working out my budget so that I’d feel financially secure while moving around.

I put so much effort into making it all work, moving the numbers around, and I finally thought: “Alright, all my expenses are accounted for and I feel good about all of them. I have a basic idea of where my income is coming from, and I know I’ll find it. Great! Now I just have to look for a job I can take with me on the road, sell a few paintings and watch my wallet.”

That sounded alright, but I really didn’t feel like updating my resume, interviews, blah blah blah, and all that crap. I contemplated what it would be like if I brought in zero income over the next couple months. I erased the number in the “Income” column on Excel. What was left didn’t scare me.

So what the hell am I doing all this work for? My attention to detail will only make my travel experience more limited, boxed, stressful, unfulfilling.

Then I had an idea:

Why don’t I just skip over the “making” it work part, and just “let” it work?

Why don’t I take the rest of 2012 to just freaking CHILL OUT and practice pleasing myself? I’ll spend my money on EVERYTHING I really want–but ONLY on what I really want.

Everytime I’ve wanted something so bad that I bought it even if I couldn’t afford it, the money has shown up when I needed it. It’s actually hilarious because the last big expense I made was $2000 on Marie Forleo’s RHH B-School, and I literally cried, with real tears, when I pressed the “Buy” button at the last possible second. Cash was really low. I think it was the very next day that I received notice from my accountant that I had $2000 coming at me in taxes that I had completely forgotten about. I’m fortunate here, in the sense that the thoughts I believe on this issue are clearly supporting me entirely, almost to the exact dollar.

So why am I still obsessed with Excel? Why am I still worried about getting a job, when my last one fell right into my lap (really, I wasn’t even looking for one) and was absolutely perfect for what I needed and wanted?

I’ve got some social conditioning hanging tight, methinks.

That’s okay, it’ll go away eventually. Because when I think of spending the next two months concentrating ONLY on my happiness and trusting that the money will come, there’s something that tells me I’m ready. It gets me so excited. I still have some resistance, some insecurity, but I think I feel more secure in this experiment than I feel insecure.

I’ve been telling myself this for a while: “I can live how I want to live NOW. I can feel how I want to feel NOW.”

Everything we desire is all for a feeling right? So why should I have to wait for things to show up? I don’t. I know how the mind works, I know how thoughts and beliefs work, and I know how to change them.

So how do I want to feel? I want to feel like I don’t have to work hard for my money. I want to feel like the money will come when I need it. Really, I don’t even want to think about money. I just want to live with joy and ease.

I won’t be splurging. I’ll be expressing my worthiness, I’ll be practising my trust in the universe, I’ll be practising the vibration I want to live with from now on.

I’ve done the math, and even if I get really stupid with my money, I’ll still have a little bit left. Next year is only two months away anyway, so there won’t be enough TIME before then to completely blow what I have. In any case, I have a general idea of how much I’m working with so I’ll likely notice right away if my spending’s getting out of hand, and if there’s an expense I wasn’t expecting, I can always at it to the spreadsheet to ease my worries.

But I’m not 100% good at this yet, so I want to examine the worst case scenario.

Worst case? I blow it all. What scares me about that?

1. Shame. I’m afraid that my parents, especially, will wave their I-told-you-so fingers. I’m afraid I’ll feel less worthy. Like a lazy parents’  basement-dwelling Gen-Yer. But you know, even as I type this, I realize how NOT likely this is. Admittedly, at one point I was more accustomed to having those thoughts, but that isn’t who I am anymore, and I can’t be less than I’ve become. I know my worth. I know that laziness is underrated. I know that my happiness doesn’t depend on my parents’ approval because there are so many thing I’m going to experience and they probably won’t even understand 90% of the amazing ones. And that’s okay.

2. Low cash. Being forced to take a job I don’t like and pretending to be someone I’m not. Being stuck in a city I’m bored of. Finding every day unbearable, like my life is wasting away. Being cooped up inside, apart from the sunshine. Again, even as I write this, I am coaching myself out of the fear. Even if I got down to $0, I could, first of all, call up my student loan people and tell them that I just don’t have the money this month, and they’ll have to deal with it. And they will. I could get an apartment in the city my sister or parents or friends live in, and save up for the next adventure. I know how to live, I know how to make it work, and with a cheap apartment or housesitting gig I could save up so fast I’d be outta there before I know it. I could full-time it and make a challenge out of seeing how fast I can save, or I can part-time it and make a couple friends. It’s all good, it’s all fun. The only real skill I need anyway is that of being happy despite what surrounds me, and I’m getting pretty ding dang good at that. If I do find my situation difficult, all that means is that I’ll be getting a lot of real good thought practice.

But the reason I want to do this is because I believe SO MUCH in the best case scenario. This is where I’m placing my bets:

I let go of enough resistance that the universe supports me in every way, and I end up with considerable and EASY profit at the end of the year. People show up at exactly the right time with great opportunities for me, I fall in deeper love with life, I trust and dance and laugh and sing EFFORTLESSLY and everything works out for me. Money shows up when I need it.  I find people along the way who are willing to pay for what I can teach or offer them, and it’s exhilarating. I keep learning about all that interests me, I keep growing, my environment fills with people and things that thrill me. I’m happy.

Freedom, ease, joy. This is what I want for my life, and I’m not willing to beat too much around the bush. It’s what my soul has been calling me towards, it’s the reason I can be stubborn and quirky and eccentric, it’s the reason people stare at me blankly and lost for words when I tell them I don’t “do” anything.

This’ll be fun!

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Who I Am At My Core

Author + writer

Counselor + healer

Teacher

Singer + musician

Dancer

Student

Artist

Adventurer

Joker

Lover

It doesn’t matter that I have yet to master any one of these roles, nor that there are some I have not even dared to spend much time with. It doesn’t matter that my voice is perfectly boring and average and surely bad, by some standards, nor that I have never been in love.

These are who I am when I am soul-level honest with myself, and it feels great to acknowledge that.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t pick one and be that forever.

Because before dark moments are felt, I don’t know which role I will most easily slip into and escape with. I don’t know which version of me will be my saviour, I don’t know who will help me find my way again.

And before I’m back on track, I don’t know who will rocket me into the sky.

I need all of me, and I refuse to let any fade away.

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