Tag Archives: creativity

I want to build an online business.

Sup y’all!?

So, I want to create an online business.

It’s kinda hard for me to admit this out loud/in writing because I can just hear eyes rolling (I know that’s not you. But if it is… you might avoid being supremely annoyed by reading something else.).

Whatever yo! It’s what I want.

I’ve been stuck here for about a year and a half, knowing it’s what I want and not making any measurable progress (other than overall happiness, but who cares about that? :P).

No more. I’ve taken the courses. I’m part of amazing entrepreneurial communities. I know what to do. I’m committed to this.

Well, really what I’m committed to is building a life of freedom. Whether that means building an online business or whether it means something else, I’m going to do it. I want everything out of life, and I’m prepared to work for it.

I do, however, reject the idea of “work” as something gruelling and repulsive. Sure, I work a night shift part-time at a grocery store, but I’m not using it as the foundation I build a house and family on. I won’t be there much longer, and well, it helps me exercise my positivity muscle. Ahem.

My vision of my life defines “work” as something so fun it blows everyone’s mind. And that’s what an online business represents to me right now: fun work.

So I’m going create things and give them away for free, methinks, and see what you guys like. Feedback and requests are welcome and encouraged! 🙂

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Mid-winter unemployed person rant

I haven’t found a voice for this blog so I never know what to write, despite having lots to say. My sister can tell you. She’s my only friend right now, and so she hears a proportionate amount of my mind vomit, which would be all of it.

Maybe I just don’t like my voice, and so I don’t write. Or make friends. Or wash my hair every week.

Anyway, essentially, this is the news: I arrived in Toronto on the 19th of January, and my friend has been letting me sleep on her couch ever since (thank God). She lives downtown, so I’ve been spending a lot of my time walking around, handing out resumes. No bites, except for a couple corporate (blegh) interviews (you know that means they went really well), and today: I scored an uber part-time job. I should be happy, but should I really? With an earning potential of $330 a month after taxes?

I’m also soul-searching, as always. I tell myself that this is an admirable thing to be doing and that I’m one of the few who are “awake” and that is basically the only thing that gets me through the day. If I’m wrong about any of this, shhhh.

I did realize that I really have to focus my energy on what I want, if I ever want to get it. I’ve been paying attention to my jealousy, because it’s supposed to tell you important things about yourself. The problem is that I’m jealous of pretty much everyone.

I’m jealous of musicians, actors, novelists, comedy writers, stand-up comedians, improvisers, life coaches, entrepreneurs, and anyone at all who has their life together, which is confusing because then I’m tricked into thinking I want to be things like doctors and nurses.

… would that be so bad?

Anyway, I think I’ve narrowed down my field of career interests to things that are creative. I want a creative career, and I haven’t, up until now, been able to admit that to myself.

I want to sing. I want to play piano.

I want to write books, TV shows, films.

I want to make movies.

I want to paint or draw or something.

I want to be on stage. Doing what? Beats me. (Oooor maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I want to do comedy and improv, but to say that’s what I want is so scary because I’m so bad at it.)

When I get confused and overwhelmed by everything I want to do, I try to clear the table by asking myself what my passion is, and what I spend my time doing anyway.

Well, here’s the thing: I don’t have a passion. Okay, I’m sure I do, but I can’t answer this question as easily as it’s meant to be answered. I haven’t had an obsession with singing or acting or whatever since I was a toddler. I’ve come to have serious beef with people in interviews who say “Well, I’ve always been a ___. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything else. People always told me I would be doing ___. I love my life. I have been chosen.”

What did I do? I dabbled. A lot. And I was good at some things. But I wouldn’t say that dabbling itself is a passion of mine, because I’m extremely frustrated at my lack of skill at anything.

And what I spend my time doing isn’t a good indication of what I should be doing, because I hate that I spend all my time on the computer or on Facebook or wondering what I would love to be doing.

When I finally do carve out time to practise the things I think will make me happy, I get super anxious, especially when I sit down to write fiction. So much crap comes out, which is actually probably my 14-year-old self’s backlogged ideas rearing their crappy little heads.

Okay, so I know this is all common for people my age. While it can be soothing to hear that sometimes, it just mostly doesn’t help at all.

I also know that passion comes from passion, so it’s my job to make passion with what I have, not to find it in something external. But I alsoalso know that as a human being, I’m entitled to a couple crybaby moments in the face of something difficult I have to do.

Anyway. Progress? Maybe.

I still get tricked into thinking I want to be a real estate agent when I see one in a suit, buying a round of drinks for his friends, though.

So really, I don’t know what I’m doing.

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Cleaning the clutter, wiping the dust off my heart.

I’ve been finding it difficult to write lately. I’m in a period of massive information intake, and so I’m not sure of anything. It feels like I know SO MUCH, but at the same time, very little. Some say this feeling only gets worse as you learn more, which spells doom for this blog, since I tend to only want to write when I’m pretty sure of something and I can express it clearly.

But anyway. I came here to talk about something, which reminds me: it’s actually probably more accurate to say that I’m in a period of purging.

I need a pattern interrupt. I’ve been doings things a certain way for about a year, and though it’s been an upgrade from the year before, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any closer to my major goals.

At the same time, I’m not a fan of forcing and pushing. I know I can force myself to instill new habits or accomplish goals. I’ve done it countless times, and while it feels good to have completed something, the process is gruelling.

But, this is the norm. So many people tell you that that’s how things get done–but I’m looking for a different way. A gentler, funner way.

Sometimes I get frustrated, though, because I want things to move faster and I consider just going on that diet, or just committing to exercising every other day, or committing to writing every day or whatever. While that certainly will get me closer to my goals, it just doesn’t freaking inspire me!

But again, I do realize that my habits need to change.

Yesterday, I actually felt inspired to switch off. I’ve become a little addicted to the internet as of late, and yesterday felt SO GOOD. Well, in the end, it felt good. I spent quite a bit of time sitting on a chair tapping my knees, not knowing what to do next. During a lull, I’m used to checking my e-mail or Facebook, which usually turns into minutes or hours wasting time exploring which of my high school friends has gained weight, reading e-mails I should have probably trashed, or checking if it was really that actor in that movie and how old he is now and who he’s married to. And I’m used to having my computer around if I get an idea I want to write down (I’m addicted to that, too. Notes/brain everywhere).

I HATE being bored. I hate it so much that I don’t allow myself the time to figure out what I actually need. What I actually want to do. It’s not like Facebook makes my heart sing and I just HAVE to check my notifications. No. I just feel compelled to drown out the boredom, and that’s what I’ve come to automatically do. This isn’t very different from any other addiction.

So anyway, I decided to pretend I was a kid, like when my family used to go to the cottage for a week. Zero things on my to-do list, perfectly safe, and absolutely bored. (It’s actually quite helpful to think back to your childhood; I do it often.)

What fun did I make for myself as a child? What would I do if there was nothing TO do? Surely there’s no way I’d sit around all day. I’d find something to do.

Many people are finding that being constantly connected and entertained is actually a hindrance to creativity. As you may know, I sold most of my belongings last year. Still, I normally take a few key things with me wherever I go: my computer, some books, my camera and an extra lens, a sketchbook, sometimes some paints, clothes, and all the usual toiletries. A few years ago, I couldn’t imagine living in such a minimalistic way. Today, I’m finding that excess exists, even within this lifestyle.

Not that I’d sell my computer. It’s not her fault; it’s the fault of a mindset. Having backup–just in case life gets boring–smothers my creativity.

As I sat shaking my legs and itching to just do something, I found myself gravitating toward the piano. Still drowning out the boredom, but, in my opinion, practice is infinitely more productive than Facebook-surfing. I played much longer yesterday than I have in a while. And, incidentally, my voice teacher called me while I was playing and offered me some great advice and support (is that synchronistic or what?).

I also took out my sketch pad and began speed-sketching people on TV. Not my best work, but still fun.

Last year, I spent a lot of time reading books and listening to spiritual and personal development stuff on the internet. I spent a LOT of time on the computer, and there is no part of me that believes that this time was wasted; I had so many questions, and there is so much intelligent and inspiring information online.

But at this point, I feel like I’m good. I still have many, many questions about life and love and the universe, but there is so much knowledge that I could be putting into practice. My mind is saturated, and additional information is now confusing.

It’s time to get back to the basics and let myself guide myself.

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