Tag Archives: Depression

Hi! Sadness strikes again.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this shitty. Some sort of correlation between my writing and my emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on…

A few embarrassing social moments that my mind won’t let go of. Truthfully, though, I indulged really hardcore this time, spent the whole of yesterday crying and starving myself–because when I’m sad, I figure that eating can make me gain weight, and if that happens, I’ll get sadder. Do not do this. This is bad logic, and using it will be bad for you. Especially since being hungry tends to make me more depressed.

Played three songs on loop (Square One, How Long Will I Love You, and Swans and the Swimming–I have a history of looping this one for hours on end). Got up once to pee, and finally got up again to eat when my boyfriend said he’d take me out. Small glimmer.

Literally TWO things rocked my world, in a bad way. I was at a party my boyfriend had invited me to. 

1. An awkward conversation with one of my boyfriend’s friends. He was trying to be funny, I tried to be funny back, but it all fell flat as a pancake. He looked so uncomfortable. I thought he probably thought of me as hard to talk to, or unfunny, or something. I’m not entirely sure.

2. An awkward handshake with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (6-year relationship, intimidating or what?) where she introduced herself after she had been trying to get my attention. I guess I sort of realized she was waving at me, but I was also talking to someone, and I didn’t know how to split my attention. Then, after we quickly shook hands, I went back to talking to the person. My boyfriend said he saw her turn around with an “okay, I don’t really know what to do” face and leave the room. I got sad because I thought she probably saw me see her waving, and pegged me as rude for ignoring her. I also thought maybe I had cut the interaction short by going back to my original conversation after saying hi, and I imagined that she thought I was purposely trying to be bitchy and avoid her.

I want people to like me. I want to be friends with my boyfriend’s friends. I like them. I want more friends that I like, especially since most of my friends don’t live where I do.

I was looking forward to meeting his ex, because she seems cool and I want us to be friendly. She left the party shortly after our handshake, affording me no time to “redeem” myself.

I failed. His friends think I suck, and his ex thinks I’m the worst.

I created these stories, I’m aware, but they hurt, and way more than I understand why. Started catastrophizing, and spiralling. I looked at my upcoming schedule, and I wanted to do none of it. Hating everything, wanting to start fresh. Now that I think of it, in the past I have had trouble with the idea that I could have misrepresented myself in some way. I haven’t been able to stand the idea that people I really wanted to become friends with, or guys I’ve liked or dated, could think of me in a way that did not align with who I know I am at my core. Judgments. We all have to make judgments in order to make sense of our world, and I can’t blame anyone for it, so what am I doing, crying about it? Especially since I know they change as we accumulate more information?

I have to be at peace with this. I can’t control what people think. I can only control what I think, and what kind of experiences I attract. That is ALL me.

What can I do, me?

1. Focus on loving yourself more. I imagined that How Long Will I Love You was “mama universe” singing to me. I forget that the universe wants to help me, and that unconditional love exists. And FOR ME! I cried because this love made me realize how much I was abandoning myself in this moment of crisis. I was believing these judgements about me that I had MADE UP. I had forgotten that, even if I HAD done wrong here, I was loved.

2. Forgive. All it took was a reminder in some blog post or something that forgiveness is a thing. Use it on yourself, and the other.

3. Act on your highest excitement until you can go no further. Gotta take this more seriously.

4. Pray. Just ask for what you want. Ask the universe, ask those who love you. You don’t have to do it alone.

5. Be helpful. Learn, and then teach what you know. Have fun.

6. Allow. Allow what happens to happen. Desperately wanting something pushes it away. Wanting friends, wanting perfect social interactions, etc. It won’t come if you need it. Allow it to come, or not. Also, feelings are harmless. The thoughts causing them seem real and true, they always do! But they can change, you can create whatever you want. If you just breathe and allow the feelings to happen, they will subside, and newer, more peaceful thoughts will come to you. 

And maybe the most important one…

7. Love what you get. It’s really the only way to be happy.

I’m grateful for the tools I’ve been given to keep myself happy. These dips don’t last very long anymore. Allow, allow, allow.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I do not apologize.

I got this idea from Courtney at The Rule Breaker’s Club. This is so cathartic, a highly recommended exercise.

I do not apologize for being tender.

I do not apologize for being sensitive.

I do not apologize for being afraid.

I do not apologize for being weird.

I do not apologize for being the weirdest person you’ve ever met.

I do not apologize for not liking myself.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being loveable.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being who I want to be yet.

I do not apologize for being patient towards myself.

I do not apologize for not being there yet.

I do not apologize for being daring.

I do not apologize for putting myself in difficult situations.

I do not apologize for feeling everything deeply.

I do not apologize for being human.

I do not apologize for panic attacks in the middle of a conversation, even if they make me seem like a crazy person.

I do not apologize for needing to learn lessons the hard way.

I do not apologize for trusting the wrong person with my heart.

I do not apologize for not being the strong woman of my dreams.

I do not apologize for being weak.

I do not apologize for being in transition.

I do not apologize for being different than you thought.

I do not apologize for changing.

I do not apologize for getting worse.

I do not apologize for getting better.

I do not apologize for being me, every version of me.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Feeling feelings. Who’d’a thunk?

I woke up today with overwhelming heartsickness incredibly reminiscent of mornings back in 2003. In high school, I always had a crush on someone, but never the nerve to tell any of them. Typical, I suppose.

One of those precious objects of my affection later became a good friend… and later stopped speaking to me cold turkey for a reason that continues to elude me. And I dreamt of him last night.

I don’t know, I guess it’s fine. I tell myself that sometimes people need life upgrades and occasionally it means shedding friendships that aren’t working for them anymore. I’ve done it myself, and I’m okay with it. Except that, despite knowing better, it vaguely leaves me feeling like I’m the place from which, and not TO which, people upgrade. Also, I miss him. I don’t usually notice, but today I have the emotional field of a 14-year-old, and I do.

I’m doing my life coaching certification course right now, and I’ve also been studying a lot of spiritual stuff. I know that any sadness or fear I feel is the result of a mind construct and does not actually reflect anything “bad” happening outside of me. And that awareness is good.

But I think I’ve been coaching myself too harshly. I feel the awfulness and I immediately get to work finding better feeling thoughts. It works, but only temporarily; it doesn’t take long before I find myself crashing back down to where I started. I’ve been afraid of my fear and depression, and by running away I reinforce the idea that something in those depths is true, that something there can destroy me… and it can’t.

The holidays have been tough for me, as they are for so many others. I have the intellectual awareness that there is much to appreciate, but sometimes my feelings don’t come along for that ride. So, along with daily yoga and meditation, I’ve been experimenting with feeling my dark feelings, even if it means retreating to my room and crying for a few minutes to release them.

I know. This can be difficult to do while, say, the family is opening presents or having dinner. You don’t want to be noticed, you don’t want to be consoled.

During the holidays, the good cheer either lassos you right into it, or makes you hyper aware of how far you are from happiness. The world polarizes at this time of year.

The truth is, though, we never are that far from happiness. It really is a choice, and even though that can seem heavy and unfair, I accept the challenge. Today is a great illustration of the effect of focus: I focused on someone who isn’t normally part of my thoughts, and here I am feeling like a teenager again.

Though I’m still not sure what I will find by steeping in it, I really feel like my work now is to stop being afraid of sadness, to stop trying to move out of it prematurely. To feel it, honour it, release it, and then to have a piece of chocolate cake.

Merry Christmas, friends. xox

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Who I Am At My Core

Author + writer

Counselor + healer

Teacher

Singer + musician

Dancer

Student

Artist

Adventurer

Joker

Lover

It doesn’t matter that I have yet to master any one of these roles, nor that there are some I have not even dared to spend much time with. It doesn’t matter that my voice is perfectly boring and average and surely bad, by some standards, nor that I have never been in love.

These are who I am when I am soul-level honest with myself, and it feels great to acknowledge that.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t pick one and be that forever.

Because before dark moments are felt, I don’t know which role I will most easily slip into and escape with. I don’t know which version of me will be my saviour, I don’t know who will help me find my way again.

And before I’m back on track, I don’t know who will rocket me into the sky.

I need all of me, and I refuse to let any fade away.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Overcoming Disability — An Inspiring TEDx Story

A tear-jerker.

5 Comments

March 4, 2012 · 8:25 pm

Noticing Characters

Oh, man. I just came back from the most exhausting weekend ever. A friend of a friend (who is technically my friend too, I guess, but not really) invited a few people up to her cottage this weekend. You know when you visit someone you don’t know very well, and you’re afraid to touch anything around you? I was not really looking forward to the weekend for that reason, and because she’s kind of the high-strung type that wants to make you believe everything is great while she curses at you in her mind and holds a grudge for two years.

You can imagine the whole weekend was filled with pleases and thank-yous, and sorrys and figurative puke (on my part). But really, it wasn’t so bad, just kind of boring.

Because my mind wandered a lot, I had quite a few chances to think about what I want to accomplish in the next few months. I took an intro to improvisation class last month, and I think this is the beginning of an addiction. I’m finding myself attracted to anything that mentions theatre, actors, stories, movies. I’d always been a big movie buff, but for the past few years I’ve been holding back, entertaining the notion that there are more worthwhile things to do with my time. Now I feel like I need to majorly catch up, and the pull is strong.

I’ve experienced a lot, and at this point in my life, I’m almost completely okay with following my gut. I trust the person I’m becoming to do good for this world, so I might as well take the interesting route. What’s interesting usually comes easily, and so I suspect that I might have a couple latent talents in this field. I’m going to take another improv class, do some painting, and I’m also reading a playwriting book.

What my thoughts have been gravitating towards primarily is characters. It’s strange that it took me so long to put this into words, but now that I have, it’s extremely comforting: I am obsessed with characters. I have no idea why, but I love people and the mixture of characteristics a person can have. I love them in stories, I love them in real life, and I love watching how they interact with each other. I love how you can become any one of them if you understand them well enough. I love the idea that I don’t have to “choose” someone to be; I can be anyone I want, I can be someone different every single day, though I may need a script and stage to act out some characters in a secure manner (such as evil queens and such). Being so completely confused by the motivations of the people I was with this weekend reminded me how different people are, and how interesting it is to observe them.

I want to write way more about this, but I’m really tired. I need to blog more, because by the time I get to the computer, I don’t feel like elaborating.

In a nutshell, I feel like I’m bursting. I’m so excited about life, about change, I’m excited that I think I know how to make the things I’ve always found fascinating about this world happen to me. To me.

One thing: I’ve been scared that almost no one I know will follow me in the direction I want to go, and this weekend solidified that fear. On a relaxing, cottage getaway with most of my friends in this city, I did not feel as though one of them was on the same page as me. I didn’t feel like they were my friends, like they accepted me for where I’m at right now.

I feel alone, and I’m terrified. There’s a tea party on the roof and I’m jumping off the edge.

I hope there’s a net at the bottom.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Keep Moving

I had and unwelcome, as always, bout of depression the other night. Thankfully it was short-lived, but in the moment it always seems like it will last forever (such is the nature of “Permanence”).

I’ve started a real full-time job for the first time in my life, and after being conflicted for a few weeks about whether or not I should quit, I’ve decided to stay. At one point I was 99% sure I was going to quit, and I was sure the universe would give me a sign as to what to do next, but it didn’t. So I took that as the sign. Maybe I needed to actually quit to be truly perceptive to other opportunities, but I think this will be good. Besides, I was recently given a project that will draw more heavily on my knowledge of psychology, fun fun fun.

What I’ve discovered is that lately, routine has been good for me. I think what is benefiting me the most is 1. getting up early, and 2. having no time to do much else than work. It’s forcing me to prioritize, and make time for what I need in my life.

I’ve always been more productive when I’ve been busy (and therefore happier), but for some reason I resist being busy — I don’t readily engage in activity.

There have been mornings when I just really didn’t want to get up. I wanted just this one day off. But I got up and went to work anyway, and I think it’s helped me prove to myself that I am capable of self-discipline. And if I’m capable of self-discipline, I’m capable of achieving goals. That means that my dreams have a chance of coming true, which means that it’s realistic to strive for happiness. And so I can plan.

It also means that I have the capability to escape depression when a certain pressure is applied — that that pressure is currently work doesn’t really matter at this point. I have the capacity to keep moving, even when I don’t want to.

I’d discovered a while ago that when I don’t have a job and I wake up depressed and not wanting to get out of bed, it’s a bad idea to act on that desire. But that knowledge is being consolidated these days, and the consequences of doing the opposite of what I want in that instance are becoming clearer, and they are good.

When you act on the desire to stay in bed, you’re giving into your fear. You’re focusing on everything in the world that you don’t want, so you don’t want to bother. But you know that you don’t want to stay in bed either, so neither decision is really desirable.

When you decide to do anything to keep moving, you’re forced to focus on something. With your attention pulled in one direction, you realize that this is better than wallowing in your misery, and sometimes you might even realize that [insert activity here] would be even more fun. You’ve begun to identify a goal.

When you focus on what you don’t want, you get more of that. You need to rewire your train of thought into positive, vision-oriented thinking. You dream a little bit, you act a little bit, and you inch towards a better life — it’s how it works. Getting out of bed won’t guarantee that you’ll have fun, but focusing on moving, even if that means watching your feet as you walk around the block, is progress towards progress — you’ve begun to rewire your brain to favor activity. One step away from depression, one step towards happiness.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized