So about that self-congratulation stuff. Yeah, I got bored. Plus, I don’t have internet at home, so when I do feel inspired to write, I can’t. Well, I guess technically I can, but it’s not fun if I can’t post immediately.
I’m still trying make it a point to congratulate myself for things I do right, I just haven’t been writing about it. I’ve actually been making tons of progress in different areas of my life, so I’m pretty happy about that. For example, yesterday (or the day before?) I called my parents. I always think about calling them because I know they’d love me to and they tell me so, but I never do. I just don’t really like talking on the phone for no reason, I guess. But that day, I bit the bullet and it turned out really well because my aunt was visiting my parents, so I got to talk to her a bit, too. Also, I had a time limit because I had to be somewhere half an hour after picking up the phone, so knowing I could say “I have to go now” truthfully made the chat time more enjoyable.
Another thing I did right was finally order a frigging cell phone. It should be here in about a week. I wish it would get here sooner though, because right now I’m borrowing one from a friend… and I have a bad history of breaking cell phones. I won’t forgive myself if I break his.
I think my efforts to build more meaningful relationships with my friends is working. Constantly being around people distracts me from what’s important, so I’ve been spending more time alone, trying to figure myself out. And because of that (somehow), when I do spend time with my friends, I feel like I’m being more respectful towards them, and towards myself. I’m spending more one-on-one time with people, which I think is really important. I’ve always been more comfortable getting to know people privately or in small groups, so I’m not sure why it’s been so long since I’ve made that happen. In fact, large social events actually traumatize me. I have fun, but for some reason, I regret so many things the next day. Which is what is happening right now, but it’s all good. Just means I’m taking something away from the experience, though I’m not sure what it is yet! Time reveals all… (I think I just made that up?).
In terms of career… Like anyone else, I’d love to get paid to do what I love to do. The problem is that I’ve been having trouble finding the motivation to actually do what I love to do. What the hell? It’s really hard for me to play music, to write, to make art. Especially the last one, because art (like painting, or whatever) is such a private thing, and I’m already lonely enough. But I tried something yesterday: combining art with goodwill. That sounds so mathematical and ugly, but oh well. I spent all day making and decorating cookies for a friend’s birthday and I had a lot of fun doing it… but I can’t see myself having had that much fun if I hadn’t been doing it for someone. I wouldn’t have been able to just make these cookies for myself; I wouldn’t have cared and I wouldn’t have tried as hard. I’m trying to figure out how I can couple painting/sketching/whatever and goodwill. The thing is, I don’t see why people would have a desire to own a painting, for example. You can eat a cookie, but a painting? I just don’t get it. I guess that’s why artists are poor. But there has to be some sort of value artists provide! Why do I like looking at paintings? I don’t even know if I do. I like guessing at the artist’s technique, but only to get ideas on how to experiment with my own. I don’t feel like, thankful towards the artist, and that’s what I want from what I do: I want what I create to come from a place of love, and I want to feel like I’m contributing to someone’s happiness.
So I can’t bold this one yet, but I’ll leave it in italics because I don’t want to abandon it. I’ll probably write about this periodically (well, that’s essentially what this entire blog is), but I still think sitting down and writing self-congratulations for the small stuff consistently (as in, once a day for a week) would be a great way to motivate yourself to do more things right. Give it a try if you’ve got more stamina than I do!