Tag Archives: Intuition

Cleaning the clutter, wiping the dust off my heart.

I’ve been finding it difficult to write lately. I’m in a period of massive information intake, and so I’m not sure of anything. It feels like I know SO MUCH, but at the same time, very little. Some say this feeling only gets worse as you learn more, which spells doom for this blog, since I tend to only want to write when I’m pretty sure of something and I can express it clearly.

But anyway. I came here to talk about something, which reminds me: it’s actually probably more accurate to say that I’m in a period of purging.

I need a pattern interrupt. I’ve been doings things a certain way for about a year, and though it’s been an upgrade from the year before, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any closer to my major goals.

At the same time, I’m not a fan of forcing and pushing. I know I can force myself to instill new habits or accomplish goals. I’ve done it countless times, and while it feels good to have completed something, the process is gruelling.

But, this is the norm. So many people tell you that that’s how things get done–but I’m looking for a different way. A gentler, funner way.

Sometimes I get frustrated, though, because I want things to move faster and I consider just going on that diet, or just committing to exercising every other day, or committing to writing every day or whatever. While that certainly will get me closer to my goals, it just doesn’t freaking inspire me!

But again, I do realize that my habits need to change.

Yesterday, I actually felt inspired to switch off. I’ve become a little addicted to the internet as of late, and yesterday felt SO GOOD. Well, in the end, it felt good. I spent quite a bit of time sitting on a chair tapping my knees, not knowing what to do next. During a lull, I’m used to checking my e-mail or Facebook, which usually turns into minutes or hours wasting time exploring which of my high school friends has gained weight, reading e-mails I should have probably trashed, or checking if it was really that actor in that movie and how old he is now and who he’s married to. And I’m used to having my computer around if I get an idea I want to write down (I’m addicted to that, too. Notes/brain everywhere).

I HATE being bored. I hate it so much that I don’t allow myself the time to figure out what I actually need. What I actually want to do. It’s not like Facebook makes my heart sing and I just HAVE to check my notifications. No. I just feel compelled to drown out the boredom, and that’s what I’ve come to automatically do. This isn’t very different from any other addiction.

So anyway, I decided to pretend I was a kid, like when my family used to go to the cottage for a week. Zero things on my to-do list, perfectly safe, and absolutely bored. (It’s actually quite helpful to think back to your childhood; I do it often.)

What fun did I make for myself as a child? What would I do if there was nothing TO do? Surely there’s no way I’d sit around all day. I’d find something to do.

Many people are finding that being constantly connected and entertained is actually a hindrance to creativity. As you may know, I sold most of my belongings last year. Still, I normally take a few key things with me wherever I go: my computer, some books, my camera and an extra lens, a sketchbook, sometimes some paints, clothes, and all the usual toiletries. A few years ago, I couldn’t imagine living in such a minimalistic way. Today, I’m finding that excess exists, even within this lifestyle.

Not that I’d sell my computer. It’s not her fault; it’s the fault of a mindset. Having backup–just in case life gets boring–smothers my creativity.

As I sat shaking my legs and itching to just do something, I found myself gravitating toward the piano. Still drowning out the boredom, but, in my opinion, practice is infinitely more productive than Facebook-surfing. I played much longer yesterday than I have in a while. And, incidentally, my voice teacher called me while I was playing and offered me some great advice and support (is that synchronistic or what?).

I also took out my sketch pad and began speed-sketching people on TV. Not my best work, but still fun.

Last year, I spent a lot of time reading books and listening to spiritual and personal development stuff on the internet. I spent a LOT of time on the computer, and there is no part of me that believes that this time was wasted; I had so many questions, and there is so much intelligent and inspiring information online.

But at this point, I feel like I’m good. I still have many, many questions about life and love and the universe, but there is so much knowledge that I could be putting into practice. My mind is saturated, and additional information is now confusing.

It’s time to get back to the basics and let myself guide myself.

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Using Your Intuition to Buy a Car

I’ve been dreaming of a car for the longest time.

I love driving, I’m planning to travel, and the feeling of independence and not having to RELY on others to get me around will feel AMAZING. I truly can’t wait.

I don’t have much money to spend on a car, and I know that the universe knows what’s in my bank account. I also know that money can come from surprising places, so I placed my order with the universe, and I THOUGHT that I wasn’t muddling it up by worrying about the money.

I’m okay with used. So, I asked for: safety, ability to sleep inside and carry everything I own, a heating system that works, a colour that makes me happy, nothing to fix up, gas economy, low cost, relatively low KMs since I want it for long-distance travelling, preferably space for 5 people, something easy to drive and with a window at the back (I like my rear-view). I asked for the search to NOT be stressful, and lastly, I asked for something that just feels right.

I imagined what the perfect car would feel like, and it was awesome. I didn’t know what to expect, because I couldn’t picture anything that would fit all those requirements. I had been thinking about a camper van, BUT those aren’t super good on gas, or a pick-up with a cap, but sometimes you can’t see out the back of those. So I just relaxed, acknowledging that I am very unfamiliar with most types of cars.

But, I could feel that there was a conflict in my vibration, and I couldn’t figure out how to clean it up. I had the feeling that I wouldn’t find what I wanted.

Then–surprise! My friend found an ad on Kijiji for a station wagon. What a great idea! It fit every single requirement.

I went to see the car in the ad today, and it was absolutely perfect. The only thing is… it doesn’t feel right.

Still, when I was there, my impulse was to buy it. I know nothing about cars, and I can be relatively certain that this one will not be a problem. I also don’t like dealing with competing buyers, or waiting too long to get what I want, and I am really anxious to get the whole insurance/registration nightmare over with, so I really feel like just getting it all done. (Notice how this is all about avoiding discomfort!)

But when I think about bringing it home and driving it across the country and finally having the freedom I had dreamed of… I don’t feel excited. I almost feel like I’m buying a dress that fits just because it’s on sale, knowing I won’t wear it unless I have to.

My logic = yes, but my intuition = not yet. So frustrating!

It also kind of feels like when I took my last office job; logically, it was a good idea… but inside, I just felt so constricted.

So, I decided to let myself settle down a bit. I told myself that what I really want is to think about it, and if someone takes it while I’m thinking, it wasn’t meant to be. I thought about how I would feel if someone else did take it while I was making my decision… and I wasn’t upset–there would be other cars. THAT’s when I knew I was in the proper state of mind to make a decision: I had let go of attachment to outcome.

So what do I do? What’s my decision?

If there are other cars, why am I in such a hurry to buy now? I literally found the ad for this car 2 days ago, and I’m ready to buy it. I could just as easily find something tomorrow, and have a car by Friday. What’s the rush? Why am I so agitated?

ANNDDD here we are. I’ve just identified the part of my vibration I wasn’t able to clean up before. There was something in me that was attracting something less than what I was dreaming of–a disbelief that I could get what I wanted for the price I wanted to spend, a willingness to settle for less, a belief that there are only a few cars out there that satisfy my requirements. Scarcity. That’s what I expected, and that’s what I got.

Though I’m not a huge fan of the expression: it’s right here in front of me, a clear manifestation (makes me think of bugs) of my vibration.

So, do I swim in it, or do I clean it up? Do I stay here, or do I raise my standards?

Do I take the car despite this vague feeling that there’s one out there that is really fit for ME? If I settle for this, what else will I settle for?

I was afraid that if I walked away from this, I would feel as constricted as I did before. Trapped, dependent, small.

But something strange is happening.

As I consider moving right along on my merry way, the world is opening up.

Saying yes would have been easy. Which makes sense, because this car is evidence of where I’m at, and where you’re at is always easy.

Saying NO is the hard thing. Opening up to something you haven’t experienced, trusting that something better is out there, politely refusing without feeling like you’re missing out, THAT’s the hard thing. But that’s exactly what life is about.

This isn’t about buying a car, or even about buying freedom or independence. It’s about what I’m WILLING to let myself have in life. There’s infinite possibility out there, and in saying NO, I acknowledge it’s there & open myself up to receiving it.

And I truly believe this.

I actually feel way better saying NO than I would if I said YES. It feels like I’m taking a quantum leap, and that now, only better things are on their way to me.

Looking at ads that made sense but made me a little sad has led to this point. I could have heeded my emotions and, early on, paid attention to better fits, but I decided to follow the path all the way to the “NO TURNING BACK” sign, and that’s okay. Well really, I could always have turned back, I just would have been a little poorer and had a crappy car to sell.

Next time though, I’ll know better. 🙂

Where are you doubting your intuition? What would happen if you honoured your emotions? Is there a path you’re on that you know is just a detour, and can you get off of it now?

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