Tag Archives: Love

I am the MOST humiliating.

In my heart, I know I am pretty amazing. I think about it sometimes when I’m alone in my room watching Community on Netflix. “I could be on that show. I’m basically a cooler version of Annie,” I often believe.

I sure can make an asshat of myself, though.

Even though I’m pretty cool with myself most of the time, for some reason I feel like revealing too much of myself will be the end of me. I’ll be rejected, people will hate me, etc. So I either spend my time alone, or expend a lot of energy keeping myself from being too naked. I’m usually just a little bit fake.

When I want to set that down for a bit, I drink. Sometimes I drink too much.

And sometimes, I drink TOO MUCH. When that happens, the reason for my fear becomes evident.

Yesterday, I reached for a drink every time I didn’t know what to do with myself. This is pretty standard awkward person behaviour, except this is what happens when that drink is 9% beer:

:: Talking to some dude on a couch, then drunkenly trying to kiss him I’m pretty sure while he was still talking, and getting SHUT DOWN. It was bad. He said loudly and firmly “NO,” got up and walked away.

:: In an effort to escape my shame, getting comfortable behind the refrigerator.

:: Hitting on basically everyone.

:: Not being able to stand up without almost falling over.

:: Getting inexplicably pissed at anyone and everyone who was having fun.

:: Freely drinking other people’s alcohol.

:: Storming off from the party, giving the people calling my name the silent treatment because they were “all assholes.”

And that’s just what I remember. Everything else, I forget.

… Somehow I believe making this even more public than it is already is going to help.

But seriously, I think this is good for me. I think I needed to see what would happen if I completely lost the charade (again), to see that it wouldn’t be that bad (… right?). Also, learning to love myself even when I’m completely off the rails is a skill I desperately want to learn.

Usually when this type of thing happens I become a recluse and hide away from the people I’ve embarrassed myself in front of, and gain an extra barrier to avoid a repeat episode. This is not healthy, I can tell you, and it doesn’t work, obviously. So I’m trying this new thing where I “love them anyway.” I’ve got the phrase on my desktop and I’ve been reminding myself of it as often as possible. Here’s why.

I’m so afraid of being unloved, but in reality, if anyone from yesterday sees something in me that they do not love, they are cutting themselves off from love themselves. What’s more, is that whatever they see in me and do not love, they probably also see in themselves and do not love.

People who hate are not people who need to be feared or avoided. They need to be loved.

This is pretty inspiring to me and is a much better option than crying all day, eating a whole box of Oreos and watching a Long Island Medium marathon. Actually…

And, I know that the shame I’m feeling is only caused by the thoughts I’m thinking. I’m so evolved.

Anyway, this’ll be a good story when my ego stops struggling and just dies already. This is all not really a big deal, and I’d do well to not take life and myself so seriously. I want to be the person who completely loses her face and bounces back the next day as if nothing had happened. I’d want to be friends with that person. Like Craig Ferguson. I’m exactly like Craig Ferguson.

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Who I Am At My Core

Author + writer

Counselor + healer

Teacher

Singer + musician

Dancer

Student

Artist

Adventurer

Joker

Lover

It doesn’t matter that I have yet to master any one of these roles, nor that there are some I have not even dared to spend much time with. It doesn’t matter that my voice is perfectly boring and average and surely bad, by some standards, nor that I have never been in love.

These are who I am when I am soul-level honest with myself, and it feels great to acknowledge that.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t pick one and be that forever.

Because before dark moments are felt, I don’t know which role I will most easily slip into and escape with. I don’t know which version of me will be my saviour, I don’t know who will help me find my way again.

And before I’m back on track, I don’t know who will rocket me into the sky.

I need all of me, and I refuse to let any fade away.

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30 Days to Me

I had a session last Friday with a theta healer.

Big step for me–I’d never really done anything like that before.

I’m interested in spirituality, so a friend of mine had invited me to take a theta healing certification course with her, and because I didn’t know what theta healing was, I researched it. I discovered that I could actually probably benefit from a session, so I signed up, with the desire to generally feel safer and less anxious about life.

He told me exactly what I needed to hear. I don’t understand everything that happened (yet), but he told me that the shift would take about 10 days to integrate–the 10th day being Monday the 13th–but I’m already experiencing some changes.

HUGE emotional release in the past few days, but now I’m feeling so much inspiration and excitement. Something really great is happening. He also suggested I look into Abraham-Hicks, which is where the whole Law of Attraction movement started.

Abraham mentions that in 30 days, you can completely clean up your vibration. If you really let go of all resistance that is keeping you from feeling happy during that time, you can have everything you’ve ever wanted.

I’m doing it.

So, basically, you are supposed to think/do the thing that feels good, in every circumstance.

Here’s what I know (and I’m writing this for my own benefit and clarity… if it seems weird, I’d suggest going the the Abraham-Hicks website and watching some videos!):

Everything I want is available to me right now. Everything that has ever pleased me, any fantasy I’ve ever had, or every opposite of what I have ever disliked is in my vortex. I don’t have to think about it, it’s there. All I have to do to experience it is let go of what is keeping me from sliding into it. What is keeping me from sliding into it? My resistance, my fear, my negative emotions. How do I let go of that? Let myself experience positive emotions, no matter what my situation is. Notice what is beautiful, what is good. Choose not to feel crappy. Stop feeling bad for ONE SIMPLE REASON: it feels bad. Reach for whatever better thought is available to me. All goodness comes from feeling good (A.K.A. being myself), and nothing good comes from feeling bad. And there is nothing more important than feeling good.

If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you know how important your thoughts are–you can either pull yourself out of one with thoughts of safety, of love, of power, or you can be sucked into one with thoughts of danger, death, and helplessness. I truly believe my tendencies towards anxiety have been a blessing, because I am now keenly aware of how powerfully my thoughts influence my feelings. And, you attract what you feel.

I’ve pulled myself out of fear many times in the past few days. I have proven to myself that I am capable of feeling ecstasy within seconds of noticing the beginning of a panic attack. So, I am capable of way more than that, too. I have no doubt.

I’m experiencing way more joy and I haven’t been able to stop taking notes, an indication that I need to start writing again. But, here’s my first roadblock:

What feels good and downstream/easy is starting a new, fresh blog. So there I was, about to start one, when I remembered this current blog.

Why don’t I just write here? It’s already set up, and after being featured on Freshly Pressed, I know that there are many of you here, lovely & growth-oriented, who read my posts. That feels easy, too.

Well, one thing that keeps me from feeling good about writing here is that many of my older posts do not reflect who I am now.

So, true to the process, I will let that go of that thought by reaching for better ones:

:: My present reality reflects who I am now, not who I used to be.
:: By writing here, I can express myself right NOW, without having to spend time setting up another website.
:: People know about this website and can actually read what I write. I will feel connected, and I might even inspire others to also believe in a better life.

Writing here is feeling even more downstream now.

So, here we go.

Every day I have been spending time getting really excited, happy, powerful. I think about whatever gives me butterflies, no matter what that is.

Today’s seeds of happiness:

:: Everything I love in my life has been my doing!
:: I brought my wonderful friends into my life.
:: I brought my wonderful, inspiring, business-minded friends into my life.
:: I want a baby by 30 years old.
:: I want to make a $100,000 salary by 27 years old.
:: I want to meet my life partner at 29 years old.
:: I want to spend the years leading up to that falling in love with myself, with life, and with my life’s work.
:: Make peace with where you are. It’s all right.
:: Source is orchestrating everything. It knows where everything you want is, and it’s bringing it to you. You just have to let it in.
:: I can ask for the world, for a million things, and it is all available to me. I don’t have to focus on bringing these things to myself. All I have to do is find ONE excuse to have fun, stay happy & relaxed, and give it my undivided attention.
:: I don’t have to justify what I love.
:: In any moment, there is something I can think to make this experience better. What is it?
:: I love being the creator of my experience.
:: I see evidence of my creations everywhere.
:: I love waking up in this double bed that I’ve created, because at one point I dreamed of sleeping in a double bed.
:: I love having this safe, comfortable room, with this adorable wallpaper that I’ve created.
:: I don’t have to feel unhappiness on the way to more happiness.
:: I love fun.
:: I love laughter.
:: I love wit.
:: I want to be in the right place at the right time.
:: I only have to hold myself in a general place of well-being, and more goodness will join it. I don’t have to get specific with what I want.
:: I love listening to music blasting in the middle of the afternoon.
:: I love that I knew the validity of this technique from the depth of my soul, before even learning about it (see “Things I Love” page).
:: You can only help others help themselves, and being my best self is the only way to do this.
:: I must be connected to God and to myself, to the unlimited well of well-being, if I wish to give anything away to others.
:: Feeling guilty for loving myself serves no one.
:: My fear does not serve me.
:: My truth is happiness.

I began learning about this perspective (Abraham-Hicks) on August 4th, so my 30th day will be on September 2nd.

Let’s see what happens!

xo

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Where Heartbreak Leads

I read an article by Steve Pavlina that talked about different kinds of motivation: towards and away-from. I’d never really thought about it too much before then, but I realized that I undeniably make the most progress after I’ve been severely hurt. I go through a period of deep confusion, but after that passes, everything is so much clearer than it was before the trauma.

I’ve always been better at eliminating from my life what I don’t like than at chasing my dreams. The stronger I feel a bad emotion, the easier I can find which way is the opposite direction. While submerged in those emotions, I feel like I have nothing to lose, so I take more risks. The positive emotions I feel about my goals are associated mostly with fabrications, so it’s hard to feel a real directional pull toward my dreams. I’m working on changing this (working hard), but right now, I feel the away-from motivation very strongly. Even if the outcome of the risk-taking is bad, I always feel at least a little bit better; I feel brave, and satisfied that I’ve crossed something off my list of things to try.

After a terrible night of ex-boyfriends and new girlfriends (both should be singular, if you know what I mean), nothing felt like a worse idea than going home to sleep. I literally marched past the entrance to my apartment building and into the nearest pub. It turned out to be an Irish pub, and there was live music, and I was very grateful for both of those things. I sat at the bar, close to where there seemed to be more commotion because maybe that meant someone was more likely to talk to me. My goal was just to have a beer and not force myself to talk to anyone if I felt it was too hard. One step at a time; walking in was difficult enough for me! Plus, I was genuinely enjoying myself, a beer in hand, music in my ears, surrounded by people and no one to impress.

However, a question I actually wanted the answer to materialized itself in my noggin. There was a guy playing acoustic guitar, and since I’d been wanting to perform at open mic nights, I asked the guy next to me if that’s what tonight was. He looked at the bartender and they both started laughing. Apparently it wasn’t, and they thought it was funny that they were being asked this question for the second time. I had a good chat with the guy for a while, he was nice. We talked about careers and he suggested I work in a bar to get in the know about the music scene (and I’m actually considering doing so). He was friends with all the staff, with whom he was playing some sort of dice game. I had just been invited to play in the next round when the guitarist finished his set and put down his instrument. I had been wanting to ask him the title of one of the songs he played (turned out to be “Thirteen” by Elliott Smith), so I went over to talk to him. We ended up having a great conversation about music, life and love, and he added me to Facebook. I bought another beer.

I can’t ask for a better outcome than making a friend (well, I guess a friend and a half). A musical friend, no less! I also got positive comments about my personality from both people. Bonus!

I’ll be doing this again. If you think you’re missing out on something, you probably are, even if it’s just a learning experience. Push through the fear!

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