In my heart, I know I am pretty amazing. I think about it sometimes when I’m alone in my room watching Community on Netflix. “I could be on that show. I’m basically a cooler version of Annie,” I often believe.
I sure can make an asshat of myself, though.
Even though I’m pretty cool with myself most of the time, for some reason I feel like revealing too much of myself will be the end of me. I’ll be rejected, people will hate me, etc. So I either spend my time alone, or expend a lot of energy keeping myself from being too naked. I’m usually just a little bit fake.
When I want to set that down for a bit, I drink. Sometimes I drink too much.
And sometimes, I drink TOO MUCH. When that happens, the reason for my fear becomes evident.
Yesterday, I reached for a drink every time I didn’t know what to do with myself. This is pretty standard awkward person behaviour, except this is what happens when that drink is 9% beer:
:: Talking to some dude on a couch, then drunkenly trying to kiss him I’m pretty sure while he was still talking, and getting SHUT DOWN. It was bad. He said loudly and firmly “NO,” got up and walked away.
:: In an effort to escape my shame, getting comfortable behind the refrigerator.
:: Hitting on basically everyone.
:: Not being able to stand up without almost falling over.
:: Getting inexplicably pissed at anyone and everyone who was having fun.
:: Freely drinking other people’s alcohol.
:: Storming off from the party, giving the people calling my name the silent treatment because they were “all assholes.”
And that’s just what I remember. Everything else, I forget.
… Somehow I believe making this even more public than it is already is going to help.
But seriously, I think this is good for me. I think I needed to see what would happen if I completely lost the charade (again), to see that it wouldn’t be that bad (… right?). Also, learning to love myself even when I’m completely off the rails is a skill I desperately want to learn.
Usually when this type of thing happens I become a recluse and hide away from the people I’ve embarrassed myself in front of, and gain an extra barrier to avoid a repeat episode. This is not healthy, I can tell you, and it doesn’t work, obviously. So I’m trying this new thing where I “love them anyway.” I’ve got the phrase on my desktop and I’ve been reminding myself of it as often as possible. Here’s why.
I’m so afraid of being unloved, but in reality, if anyone from yesterday sees something in me that they do not love, they are cutting themselves off from love themselves. What’s more, is that whatever they see in me and do not love, they probably also see in themselves and do not love.
People who hate are not people who need to be feared or avoided. They need to be loved.
This is pretty inspiring to me and is a much better option than crying all day, eating a whole box of Oreos and watching a Long Island Medium marathon. Actually…
And, I know that the shame I’m feeling is only caused by the thoughts I’m thinking. I’m so evolved.
Anyway, this’ll be a good story when my ego stops struggling and just dies already. This is all not really a big deal, and I’d do well to not take life and myself so seriously. I want to be the person who completely loses her face and bounces back the next day as if nothing had happened. I’d want to be friends with that person. Like Craig Ferguson. I’m exactly like Craig Ferguson.