Tag Archives: self-love

Hi! Sadness strikes again.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this shitty. Some sort of correlation between my writing and my emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on…

A few embarrassing social moments that my mind won’t let go of. Truthfully, though, I indulged really hardcore this time, spent the whole of yesterday crying and starving myself–because when I’m sad, I figure that eating can make me gain weight, and if that happens, I’ll get sadder. Do not do this. This is bad logic, and using it will be bad for you. Especially since being hungry tends to make me more depressed.

Played three songs on loop (Square One, How Long Will I Love You, and Swans and the Swimming–I have a history of looping this one for hours on end). Got up once to pee, and finally got up again to eat when my boyfriend said he’d take me out. Small glimmer.

Literally TWO things rocked my world, in a bad way. I was at a party my boyfriend had invited me to. 

1. An awkward conversation with one of my boyfriend’s friends. He was trying to be funny, I tried to be funny back, but it all fell flat as a pancake. He looked so uncomfortable. I thought he probably thought of me as hard to talk to, or unfunny, or something. I’m not entirely sure.

2. An awkward handshake with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (6-year relationship, intimidating or what?) where she introduced herself after she had been trying to get my attention. I guess I sort of realized she was waving at me, but I was also talking to someone, and I didn’t know how to split my attention. Then, after we quickly shook hands, I went back to talking to the person. My boyfriend said he saw her turn around with an “okay, I don’t really know what to do” face and leave the room. I got sad because I thought she probably saw me see her waving, and pegged me as rude for ignoring her. I also thought maybe I had cut the interaction short by going back to my original conversation after saying hi, and I imagined that she thought I was purposely trying to be bitchy and avoid her.

I want people to like me. I want to be friends with my boyfriend’s friends. I like them. I want more friends that I like, especially since most of my friends don’t live where I do.

I was looking forward to meeting his ex, because she seems cool and I want us to be friendly. She left the party shortly after our handshake, affording me no time to “redeem” myself.

I failed. His friends think I suck, and his ex thinks I’m the worst.

I created these stories, I’m aware, but they hurt, and way more than I understand why. Started catastrophizing, and spiralling. I looked at my upcoming schedule, and I wanted to do none of it. Hating everything, wanting to start fresh. Now that I think of it, in the past I have had trouble with the idea that I could have misrepresented myself in some way. I haven’t been able to stand the idea that people I really wanted to become friends with, or guys I’ve liked or dated, could think of me in a way that did not align with who I know I am at my core. Judgments. We all have to make judgments in order to make sense of our world, and I can’t blame anyone for it, so what am I doing, crying about it? Especially since I know they change as we accumulate more information?

I have to be at peace with this. I can’t control what people think. I can only control what I think, and what kind of experiences I attract. That is ALL me.

What can I do, me?

1. Focus on loving yourself more. I imagined that How Long Will I Love You was “mama universe” singing to me. I forget that the universe wants to help me, and that unconditional love exists. And FOR ME! I cried because this love made me realize how much I was abandoning myself in this moment of crisis. I was believing these judgements about me that I had MADE UP. I had forgotten that, even if I HAD done wrong here, I was loved.

2. Forgive. All it took was a reminder in some blog post or something that forgiveness is a thing. Use it on yourself, and the other.

3. Act on your highest excitement until you can go no further. Gotta take this more seriously.

4. Pray. Just ask for what you want. Ask the universe, ask those who love you. You don’t have to do it alone.

5. Be helpful. Learn, and then teach what you know. Have fun.

6. Allow. Allow what happens to happen. Desperately wanting something pushes it away. Wanting friends, wanting perfect social interactions, etc. It won’t come if you need it. Allow it to come, or not. Also, feelings are harmless. The thoughts causing them seem real and true, they always do! But they can change, you can create whatever you want. If you just breathe and allow the feelings to happen, they will subside, and newer, more peaceful thoughts will come to you. 

And maybe the most important one…

7. Love what you get. It’s really the only way to be happy.

I’m grateful for the tools I’ve been given to keep myself happy. These dips don’t last very long anymore. Allow, allow, allow.

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I do not apologize.

I got this idea from Courtney at The Rule Breaker’s Club. This is so cathartic, a highly recommended exercise.

I do not apologize for being tender.

I do not apologize for being sensitive.

I do not apologize for being afraid.

I do not apologize for being weird.

I do not apologize for being the weirdest person you’ve ever met.

I do not apologize for not liking myself.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being loveable.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being who I want to be yet.

I do not apologize for being patient towards myself.

I do not apologize for not being there yet.

I do not apologize for being daring.

I do not apologize for putting myself in difficult situations.

I do not apologize for feeling everything deeply.

I do not apologize for being human.

I do not apologize for panic attacks in the middle of a conversation, even if they make me seem like a crazy person.

I do not apologize for needing to learn lessons the hard way.

I do not apologize for trusting the wrong person with my heart.

I do not apologize for not being the strong woman of my dreams.

I do not apologize for being weak.

I do not apologize for being in transition.

I do not apologize for being different than you thought.

I do not apologize for changing.

I do not apologize for getting worse.

I do not apologize for getting better.

I do not apologize for being me, every version of me.

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Why Is Everyone Else So Much Smarter Than Me?

Do you feel like everyone around you always knows so much about all this stuff, leaving you mystified about how the hell they spend their time?

Do you have trouble concentrating when you read? Do you feel inferior, not clever enough, like you’re missing out on the information that matters? Like other people’s lives must be so much more interesting than your own?

Do you ask yourself:

Why does everyone know this and I don’t?
Why do I never have anything to talk about?
Why do I  feel so out of the loop?
Why can I never recommend a resource to others–why is it always me asking the questions?

When I felt like nothing excited me, like I didn’t know how to light myself up, I would ask myself these questions. Nothing I found to read was interesting to me, and I couldn’t stay focused. People who had found something to obsess about were the objects of my obsession, essentially.

So this is what I did: I added TONS of stuff to Google Reader. I added whatever I found remotely interesting, anything that I felt I might want to come back to, anything I thought other people were reading. Eventually, I had so much stuff on there that I could, if I wanted to, spend hours reading or looking at photos without leaving the application. I didn’t have to get through any boring articles or spend time wondering what to read in order to stay focused or up to speed with others!

Something interesting happened, though… I didn’t use Google Reader for very long. Not because it’s not great, but because I started learning and getting interested by so many other things, online and otherwise, that I just didn’t have time… and it started being a little boring. Whaaaaaaat? I knew I had the Reader as a backup, I had cracked the code, so I was free to read, learn and do whatever I wanted. I couldn’t even have imagined that being possible, but it happened, and that whole insecurity of mine is now GONE.

Really, it comes down to confidence. Follow your passion & interests, and you’ll find a never-ending wormhole of information. Kind of like what happens on Youtube–but expanded to books, magazines, websites, people, places, etc. It doesn’t really matter if you have nothing to talk about… you’re probably with the wrong crowd anyway. But finding your people and having good conversations sure does feel nice, and that’s more likely to happen when you’re enjoying and staying captivated by your life.

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30 Days to Me

I had a session last Friday with a theta healer.

Big step for me–I’d never really done anything like that before.

I’m interested in spirituality, so a friend of mine had invited me to take a theta healing certification course with her, and because I didn’t know what theta healing was, I researched it. I discovered that I could actually probably benefit from a session, so I signed up, with the desire to generally feel safer and less anxious about life.

He told me exactly what I needed to hear. I don’t understand everything that happened (yet), but he told me that the shift would take about 10 days to integrate–the 10th day being Monday the 13th–but I’m already experiencing some changes.

HUGE emotional release in the past few days, but now I’m feeling so much inspiration and excitement. Something really great is happening. He also suggested I look into Abraham-Hicks, which is where the whole Law of Attraction movement started.

Abraham mentions that in 30 days, you can completely clean up your vibration. If you really let go of all resistance that is keeping you from feeling happy during that time, you can have everything you’ve ever wanted.

I’m doing it.

So, basically, you are supposed to think/do the thing that feels good, in every circumstance.

Here’s what I know (and I’m writing this for my own benefit and clarity… if it seems weird, I’d suggest going the the Abraham-Hicks website and watching some videos!):

Everything I want is available to me right now. Everything that has ever pleased me, any fantasy I’ve ever had, or every opposite of what I have ever disliked is in my vortex. I don’t have to think about it, it’s there. All I have to do to experience it is let go of what is keeping me from sliding into it. What is keeping me from sliding into it? My resistance, my fear, my negative emotions. How do I let go of that? Let myself experience positive emotions, no matter what my situation is. Notice what is beautiful, what is good. Choose not to feel crappy. Stop feeling bad for ONE SIMPLE REASON: it feels bad. Reach for whatever better thought is available to me. All goodness comes from feeling good (A.K.A. being myself), and nothing good comes from feeling bad. And there is nothing more important than feeling good.

If you’ve ever experienced a panic attack, you know how important your thoughts are–you can either pull yourself out of one with thoughts of safety, of love, of power, or you can be sucked into one with thoughts of danger, death, and helplessness. I truly believe my tendencies towards anxiety have been a blessing, because I am now keenly aware of how powerfully my thoughts influence my feelings. And, you attract what you feel.

I’ve pulled myself out of fear many times in the past few days. I have proven to myself that I am capable of feeling ecstasy within seconds of noticing the beginning of a panic attack. So, I am capable of way more than that, too. I have no doubt.

I’m experiencing way more joy and I haven’t been able to stop taking notes, an indication that I need to start writing again. But, here’s my first roadblock:

What feels good and downstream/easy is starting a new, fresh blog. So there I was, about to start one, when I remembered this current blog.

Why don’t I just write here? It’s already set up, and after being featured on Freshly Pressed, I know that there are many of you here, lovely & growth-oriented, who read my posts. That feels easy, too.

Well, one thing that keeps me from feeling good about writing here is that many of my older posts do not reflect who I am now.

So, true to the process, I will let that go of that thought by reaching for better ones:

:: My present reality reflects who I am now, not who I used to be.
:: By writing here, I can express myself right NOW, without having to spend time setting up another website.
:: People know about this website and can actually read what I write. I will feel connected, and I might even inspire others to also believe in a better life.

Writing here is feeling even more downstream now.

So, here we go.

Every day I have been spending time getting really excited, happy, powerful. I think about whatever gives me butterflies, no matter what that is.

Today’s seeds of happiness:

:: Everything I love in my life has been my doing!
:: I brought my wonderful friends into my life.
:: I brought my wonderful, inspiring, business-minded friends into my life.
:: I want a baby by 30 years old.
:: I want to make a $100,000 salary by 27 years old.
:: I want to meet my life partner at 29 years old.
:: I want to spend the years leading up to that falling in love with myself, with life, and with my life’s work.
:: Make peace with where you are. It’s all right.
:: Source is orchestrating everything. It knows where everything you want is, and it’s bringing it to you. You just have to let it in.
:: I can ask for the world, for a million things, and it is all available to me. I don’t have to focus on bringing these things to myself. All I have to do is find ONE excuse to have fun, stay happy & relaxed, and give it my undivided attention.
:: I don’t have to justify what I love.
:: In any moment, there is something I can think to make this experience better. What is it?
:: I love being the creator of my experience.
:: I see evidence of my creations everywhere.
:: I love waking up in this double bed that I’ve created, because at one point I dreamed of sleeping in a double bed.
:: I love having this safe, comfortable room, with this adorable wallpaper that I’ve created.
:: I don’t have to feel unhappiness on the way to more happiness.
:: I love fun.
:: I love laughter.
:: I love wit.
:: I want to be in the right place at the right time.
:: I only have to hold myself in a general place of well-being, and more goodness will join it. I don’t have to get specific with what I want.
:: I love listening to music blasting in the middle of the afternoon.
:: I love that I knew the validity of this technique from the depth of my soul, before even learning about it (see “Things I Love” page).
:: You can only help others help themselves, and being my best self is the only way to do this.
:: I must be connected to God and to myself, to the unlimited well of well-being, if I wish to give anything away to others.
:: Feeling guilty for loving myself serves no one.
:: My fear does not serve me.
:: My truth is happiness.

I began learning about this perspective (Abraham-Hicks) on August 4th, so my 30th day will be on September 2nd.

Let’s see what happens!

xo

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What I Learned From Selling Everything I Own

I frequently have these “ah-hah!” moments, usually thanks to quotes, movies, blogs or photographs, during which I feel this lightness and it’s as though I’m expanding and everything makes sense. Although I believe that probably some fundamental shifts happen at an unconscious level during these moments regardless of what follows, the clarity and excitement usually dissipate.

There’s a powerful thought that reliably brings me back that clarity, though. It reminds me over and over to keep adjusting my path as I’m walking it. It’s this: I am already whole. The idea that I do not have to become anyone, that I should only embrace the path I’m on and expand from there, is incredibly inspiring to me. It even inspired me to sell almost everything I owned so I could “live in the now,” and “not focus on the past,” and all that stuff, though ironically, selling my past has given me a deeper appreciation of it.

Perfection doesn’t exist

To an almost hopeless perfectionist, finding out you are already complete is absolutely wonderful news. Many people experience perfectionism as immobilization; there are always too many things to do to achieve perfection–it’s exhausting even to think about. But it doesn’t surprise me that we’ve grown up with this mindset, given the language we were and are surrounded by. First of all, we are shown that “perfect” does exist: 100%, A+, whatever. That’s what we are told to strive for, and we do.

So when we learn that perfect can’t be achieved, because perfect does not exist, what happens? Well, to a little girl who is showered with praise from family and awards from teachers for her excellent scholastic achievements and who falls out of love with the school system, it feels like the world falls out of love with her.

Also, we are told that we have to become someone. We go to school to learn skills that cost tens of thousands of dollars, because “McDonald’s is hiring” and be careful because that’s where we’ll end up if we don’t work ourselves sick to get the piece of paper that proves that we know what happens on Odysseus’ travels and which qualifies us to do more than flip burgers, which we should be embarrassed to ever have to do because it means that we are either stupid or lazy or both. (By the way, I’d love for someone to teach me how to flip a burger because that shit doesn’t come naturally and I can’t do it. And by the way again, I don’t remember what happens in The Odyssey, so I don’t know where that leaves me.)

N.B. There’s nothing wrong with working at a food joint. I’d never work at McDonald’s, but only because it’s poisoning us and the environment and seriously, screw them.

Anyway, I didn’t get a master’s degree like my friends did, which also meant that I had stopped becoming anything. I was unhappy and felt completely inauthentic. I wanted to start from scratch, and I wanted to find truth. I thought that this meant completely renouncing my past; after all, my past had led me here, right? I wanted to travel. I wanted to get rid of my belongings. I wanted new friends. I wanted to scream at anyone who tried to reel me back in. I was angry, but mostly sad.

I wanted to restart, but I was scared, so I did so slowly, without really realizing it. I moved to another province for a couple years. I left my stuff with my parents, and discovered that I didn’t need any of it. Future: 1, Past: 0. I got a job in my field, psychology, but it was boring and mindless, so I quit. I got a job at a grocery store because I was tired of PhDs controlling me. It got old, so I quit. I got a job at an office in a final attempt at using whatever skills I had already, and I hated it. All of this gave me the courage to really put my past-clearing theory to the test. I quit that job, spent a month selling all of my belongings, terminated my lease, hopped on a bus and crashed at my very generous sister’s apartment until further notice. This is where I am currently.

Shedding baggage makes you feel lighter

I still have some papers to get rid of, but I can’t tell you how liberating that leap was. Some days, while I was still working, I was ready to give in to the office life. I told myself it wouldn’t be that bad, and my coworkers are nice people to be around. Those were the days, I realize now, that were the most dangerous–the days my soul was closest to its death.

I experienced a lot of grief while I was getting rid of my stuff. I found it annoying because I didn’t understand it and it was getting in the way. But I didn’t dismiss it entirely; I went through everything slowly, keeping the stuff that I absolutely could not part with: some photographs, the doll my late grandmother gave me, stuff like that. I really didn’t want to keep them, though. Even keeping my identification pissed me off. I wanted to be like Christopher McCandless (yeah, the dude who died in the wild), but something about these objects made me happy, and I figured I could always get rid of them later.

Embrace and expand your past

Not too long ago, I was looking through my sister’s old photo albums. I hadn’t done that in so long and it made me so happy, yet I had been so annoyed with my decision to keep my own old photographs and dolls. These pictures were evidence of my childhood, of the care my parents took of me, of the true friendships I had even as a child, of how happy I was. The very existence of my sister’s photos of me is evidence that she cares enough about me to want to remember me. I remembered how I had been almost ready to throw all of mine away, and I started crying.

I’d always been so incredibly confused about why anyone would want to hold on to things–doesn’t it make them feel tied down? Stuck? Miserable? I think I’ve learned something valuable. Today, I’m glad that I was so scrupulous in deciding of what to renounce ownership. Though I’m happier now with much less baggage, I’m also happy that I still have a few things that remind me of wonderful moments in my past.

As someone who struggles with depression, I tend to remember bad events much more easily than I remember the good ones. In fact, I remember my entire undergraduate experience as generally being a terrible one–so terrible that I don’t remember most of it, because I’ve tried so hard to forget it. But when I remember that I met some of my best friends in university, I know that my memory is inaccurate. There were definitely many difficult learning experiences, but it wasn’t all bad. And whether it’s photographs, tattoos, jewelry, or yearly get-togethers, I need reminders of the beautiful things that have happened to me. Also, I’m discovering that what made me happy as a child is what makes me happy now.

There’s a limit, though. Visit the past to help you move confidently into the future, but don’t stay there. Keep only what helps you move forward.

Authenticity is your only career option

And so, here I am. These past few months have been so incredibly difficult. I’ve gone from feeling on top of the world to feeling like the most useless pile of crap, and back again. And again. I know that I really want to contribute to society, something I’m not doing very much of right now, but I’m also very selfish–what I find most difficult is doing something I don’t want to do. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m convinced that it’s due to all those years in school trying so hard to be a good student; I’m burnt out–permanently.

I’ve lost all interest in becoming anything or anyone, but staying true to myself is my biggest battle right now. Everyone wants something of you. I value service, so I often get swept up into fulfilling someone else’s wishes, which inevitably ends in a burn-out.

So, I guess it makes sense that something clicks when I hear stuff like “embrace the path you were born on” and “you are already whole.” If someone else finds wisdom in this, maybe I’m not wrong! But I’m having trouble finding the intersection of who I am, and what people value.

I’ve done tons of research. I’ve considered every career under the sun. Some days I’m set on becoming a paramedic. Others, a nurse, a photographer, a writer, a lawyer. Overall though, nothing rings true. Should I just go for anything, because once you commit to something, you’re psychologically more inclined to be satisfied with it (truth, by the way)? Probably. But I won’t, yet.

I’ve considered entrepreneurship. I love business and marketing. I have tons of ideas. I love the idea of serving a market. The problem is that once I figure everything out in my head and come up with the perfect plan, I have no desire to follow through. What’s up with that? Anyway, for that reason I’ve considered business consulting. But still, I’d have to “become” that, because no one would be willing to pay for me at this stage, I’m too much of a noob. And with my history of losing interest unexpectedly, and given that I can’t do things I don’t want to do, I don’t trust myself to push through. I’ll just waste time.

You read a lot of self-help stuff that tells you that you can be who you are in this world, and get paid for it. That’s the dream, right? I choose to believe it. If I’m honest with myself, I think I would be almost perfectly happy dancing around all day, taking photographs, doing yoga, faking spanish accents and playing with puppies–the only thing missing would be my contribution. I’m almost over caring what other people think about my career, though. No one is going to give me a gold star. A couple years ago, that would have made me cry, but I think I’m okay with it now. Although I’m not terribly frightened of living a homeless life, it’s not ideal, so I’ve got to support myself if I want to be part of this system; however, the skills I want to get paid for aren’t up to market needs. If you’re in my position, learning of some sort (taking value) is probably in your future, which means you’ll have to compromise (provide non-ideal value) for a while.

I’m not talking about selling your soul. I’m talking about finding a way to satisfy your survival needs while you get busy remembering the path you were born onto, embracing it, and allowing yourself to expand until people will pay to learn or buy from you. Or not. If no one ever pays you, it’s still better than any alternative; there is no substitute for authenticity.

This is my next step: I’ll be working part-time for four months on a farm in exchange for room and board. Sort of like WWOOFing, I guess. For four months, my survival needs will be covered. I like multitasking, so I love the idea that I’ll be learning about farming (an interest of mine) while working (providing value) on one. Also, since it’s only part-time, I can either get another part-time job for some extra cash, or spend time on my other interests. This farm also happens to be near my parents, which I like, so this set-up is perfect for me.

There is a perfect set-up for you, too. Try thinking about whose dirty work you wouldn’t mind doing, and then see what they can offer you for it. Again, it’s not permanent, and it gives you the time to build the skills you want to get paid for. Consider picking a company you admire and that has high turnover positions. A few places that come to mind are health food stores, maybe coffee shops, local book stores–clerk jobs. Personally, as long as the managers are good people, I normally don’t mind these types of jobs because I like being around people.

If you spend time learning who you are, loving who you are, learning what you love to do and how to do it well, you’ll eventually become an expert. Experts can be professionals, and professionals get paid. Bam.

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