Oh, man. I just came back from the most exhausting weekend ever. A friend of a friend (who is technically my friend too, I guess, but not really) invited a few people up to her cottage this weekend. You know when you visit someone you don’t know very well, and you’re afraid to touch anything around you? I was not really looking forward to the weekend for that reason, and because she’s kind of the high-strung type that wants to make you believe everything is great while she curses at you in her mind and holds a grudge for two years.
You can imagine the whole weekend was filled with pleases and thank-yous, and sorrys and figurative puke (on my part). But really, it wasn’t so bad, just kind of boring.
Because my mind wandered a lot, I had quite a few chances to think about what I want to accomplish in the next few months. I took an intro to improvisation class last month, and I think this is the beginning of an addiction. I’m finding myself attracted to anything that mentions theatre, actors, stories, movies. I’d always been a big movie buff, but for the past few years I’ve been holding back, entertaining the notion that there are more worthwhile things to do with my time. Now I feel like I need to majorly catch up, and the pull is strong.
I’ve experienced a lot, and at this point in my life, I’m almost completely okay with following my gut. I trust the person I’m becoming to do good for this world, so I might as well take the interesting route. What’s interesting usually comes easily, and so I suspect that I might have a couple latent talents in this field. I’m going to take another improv class, do some painting, and I’m also reading a playwriting book.
What my thoughts have been gravitating towards primarily is characters. It’s strange that it took me so long to put this into words, but now that I have, it’s extremely comforting: I am obsessed with characters. I have no idea why, but I love people and the mixture of characteristics a person can have. I love them in stories, I love them in real life, and I love watching how they interact with each other. I love how you can become any one of them if you understand them well enough. I love the idea that I don’t have to “choose” someone to be; I can be anyone I want, I can be someone different every single day, though I may need a script and stage to act out some characters in a secure manner (such as evil queens and such). Being so completely confused by the motivations of the people I was with this weekend reminded me how different people are, and how interesting it is to observe them.
I want to write way more about this, but I’m really tired. I need to blog more, because by the time I get to the computer, I don’t feel like elaborating.
In a nutshell, I feel like I’m bursting. I’m so excited about life, about change, I’m excited that I think I know how to make the things I’ve always found fascinating about this world happen to me. To me.
One thing: I’ve been scared that almost no one I know will follow me in the direction I want to go, and this weekend solidified that fear. On a relaxing, cottage getaway with most of my friends in this city, I did not feel as though one of them was on the same page as me. I didn’t feel like they were my friends, like they accepted me for where I’m at right now.
I feel alone, and I’m terrified. There’s a tea party on the roof and I’m jumping off the edge.
I hope there’s a net at the bottom.