Tag Archives: Travel

Project “Do Whatever I Want”

I’m’a woo-woo it up in hurr.

So I’ve been practising this whole law of attraction “releasing resistance” thing, and I think I’m getting pretty good at it. I’ve been giving some thought to where I want to head over the next couple months, and today I was putting together an itinerary. Toronto, then New York, then maybe Montreal… and I was working out my budget so that I’d feel financially secure while moving around.

I put so much effort into making it all work, moving the numbers around, and I finally thought: “Alright, all my expenses are accounted for and I feel good about all of them. I have a basic idea of where my income is coming from, and I know I’ll find it. Great! Now I just have to look for a job I can take with me on the road, sell a few paintings and watch my wallet.”

That sounded alright, but I really didn’t feel like updating my resume, interviews, blah blah blah, and all that crap. I contemplated what it would be like if I brought in zero income over the next couple months. I erased the number in the “Income” column on Excel. What was left didn’t scare me.

So what the hell am I doing all this work for? My attention to detail will only make my travel experience more limited, boxed, stressful, unfulfilling.

Then I had an idea:

Why don’t I just skip over the “making” it work part, and just “let” it work?

Why don’t I take the rest of 2012 to just freaking CHILL OUT and practice pleasing myself? I’ll spend my money on EVERYTHING I really want–but ONLY on what I really want.

Everytime I’ve wanted something so bad that I bought it even if I couldn’t afford it, the money has shown up when I needed it. It’s actually hilarious because the last big expense I made was $2000 on Marie Forleo’s RHH B-School, and I literally cried, with real tears, when I pressed the “Buy” button at the last possible second. Cash was really low. I think it was the very next day that I received notice from my accountant that I had $2000 coming at me in taxes that I had completely forgotten about. I’m fortunate here, in the sense that the thoughts I believe on this issue are clearly supporting me entirely, almost to the exact dollar.

So why am I still obsessed with Excel? Why am I still worried about getting a job, when my last one fell right into my lap (really, I wasn’t even looking for one) and was absolutely perfect for what I needed and wanted?

I’ve got some social conditioning hanging tight, methinks.

That’s okay, it’ll go away eventually. Because when I think of spending the next two months concentrating ONLY on my happiness and trusting that the money will come, there’s something that tells me I’m ready. It gets me so excited. I still have some resistance, some insecurity, but I think I feel more secure in this experiment than I feel insecure.

I’ve been telling myself this for a while: “I can live how I want to live NOW. I can feel how I want to feel NOW.”

Everything we desire is all for a feeling right? So why should I have to wait for things to show up? I don’t. I know how the mind works, I know how thoughts and beliefs work, and I know how to change them.

So how do I want to feel? I want to feel like I don’t have to work hard for my money. I want to feel like the money will come when I need it. Really, I don’t even want to think about money. I just want to live with joy and ease.

I won’t be splurging. I’ll be expressing my worthiness, I’ll be practising my trust in the universe, I’ll be practising the vibration I want to live with from now on.

I’ve done the math, and even if I get really stupid with my money, I’ll still have a little bit left. Next year is only two months away anyway, so there won’t be enough TIME before then to completely blow what I have. In any case, I have a general idea of how much I’m working with so I’ll likely notice right away if my spending’s getting out of hand, and if there’s an expense I wasn’t expecting, I can always at it to the spreadsheet to ease my worries.

But I’m not 100% good at this yet, so I want to examine the worst case scenario.

Worst case? I blow it all. What scares me about that?

1. Shame. I’m afraid that my parents, especially, will wave their I-told-you-so fingers. I’m afraid I’ll feel less worthy. Like a lazy parents’  basement-dwelling Gen-Yer. But you know, even as I type this, I realize how NOT likely this is. Admittedly, at one point I was more accustomed to having those thoughts, but that isn’t who I am anymore, and I can’t be less than I’ve become. I know my worth. I know that laziness is underrated. I know that my happiness doesn’t depend on my parents’ approval because there are so many thing I’m going to experience and they probably won’t even understand 90% of the amazing ones. And that’s okay.

2. Low cash. Being forced to take a job I don’t like and pretending to be someone I’m not. Being stuck in a city I’m bored of. Finding every day unbearable, like my life is wasting away. Being cooped up inside, apart from the sunshine. Again, even as I write this, I am coaching myself out of the fear. Even if I got down to $0, I could, first of all, call up my student loan people and tell them that I just don’t have the money this month, and they’ll have to deal with it. And they will. I could get an apartment in the city my sister or parents or friends live in, and save up for the next adventure. I know how to live, I know how to make it work, and with a cheap apartment or housesitting gig I could save up so fast I’d be outta there before I know it. I could full-time it and make a challenge out of seeing how fast I can save, or I can part-time it and make a couple friends. It’s all good, it’s all fun. The only real skill I need anyway is that of being happy despite what surrounds me, and I’m getting pretty ding dang good at that. If I do find my situation difficult, all that means is that I’ll be getting a lot of real good thought practice.

But the reason I want to do this is because I believe SO MUCH in the best case scenario. This is where I’m placing my bets:

I let go of enough resistance that the universe supports me in every way, and I end up with considerable and EASY profit at the end of the year. People show up at exactly the right time with great opportunities for me, I fall in deeper love with life, I trust and dance and laugh and sing EFFORTLESSLY and everything works out for me. Money shows up when I need it.  I find people along the way who are willing to pay for what I can teach or offer them, and it’s exhilarating. I keep learning about all that interests me, I keep growing, my environment fills with people and things that thrill me. I’m happy.

Freedom, ease, joy. This is what I want for my life, and I’m not willing to beat too much around the bush. It’s what my soul has been calling me towards, it’s the reason I can be stubborn and quirky and eccentric, it’s the reason people stare at me blankly and lost for words when I tell them I don’t “do” anything.

This’ll be fun!


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Beautiful poem about following your heart and the consequences of weakness in the face of adversity.


The water makes peace with you tonight,
and sailing below the eager starlight,
you can check your compass
and your maps with care.

Your finger can tap
this point and that,
and slide against a winding river,
but it’s your heart that must choose the path
with a rhythm it can follow
and you sigh,
for tonight,
the rhythm won’t be found.

With shameful blood
and quivering breath
you force your compass closed
and your wide-eyed thoughts
to rest.

Now out your open mouth
climbs Uncertainty
(who seldom sleeps)
to take the wheel
and he steers toward the land,
your destination forgot.

Hungry hands swarm to pull you in.
Dozens of glowing, slender bodies,
nightmares in white nightgowns,
agitated and elegant
whispering hexes disguised under a melody.

The ocean’s lips roll open
and fall shut at the poison shore,
hesitating to speak,
trying to argue a lost case.
You wake…

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A Plan From the Heart

So I’m quite sure I’ve decided to spend the next four months with my sister in Toronto, working somewhere in order to save for KENYA!

There’s an organization that does work with an orphanage in Kenya and I want to go there. I am SO EXCITED about this.

I’m just a little bit nervous about quitting my job… and at the same time, I can’t wait, but I have to because I don’t want to quit before I’ve found a new one.

During those four months I can spend time with my family before they move far away (which happens in October), apply to volunteer, get my immunizations, spend more time on music and photography (and maybe get some kind of passive income set up), and be amazing. Maybe I can give some private music classes on top of my job, to make some extra money. And then travel and take photos! I can’t can’t can’t wait.

I am a ball of stress right now, though. But I’ve finally figured out a plan that excites me. I feel like I’m waking up!

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Safety or Spontaneity

I keep my job. I see money, friends, bars, movies, restaurants, freedom in a box, stability. No high highs, but also no low lows.

I quit. I see possibility, dreams, passion, excitement, music, life, touching the sky, hitting rock bottom, depression. Unpredictability.

I’m always tempted to jump for the second option, but it’s usually because the first option ain’t that great anyway. This time, every bit of my intelligence (as well as my fear of depression) is telling me that #1 is the option to choose. For once, just stick with it. It’s easy, it’s there, go with it! But every part of me that’s actually alive and restless and curious is fighting real hard for option #2.

Being unemployed is the absolute worst, in my experience. Employers don’t think you’re worth a dime, and you start to think the same. You consequently can’t pay for anything you want (or need, for that matter — hello, old grocery store sidewalk bread) and begin to think you don’t deserve it anyway. I don’t want to go there again.

I’m really confused. So many other people in my position would be as happy as a pig in shit. Why am I constantly jumping around? I feel like an eternal life sampler… but, I actually kind of like it. If I step back for a second and look at everything I’m pushed myself to try, I’m happy with what I’ve experienced. I’m tired of berating myself for quitting all the time; it’s not giving up, it’s acting on the dream of achieving real happiness rather than sedation.

I am, however, eager to find something I can stick with. In my mind, this will come to me as something I can’t pull myself away from… but what if it actually appears in a different form? What if it sucks at the beginning? What if I don’t push through, and I miss out on my calling?

I think I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years. When I moved last time, I was miserable and needed a change to escape depression. This time, I’m coasting, and I think my desire to leave is motivated more by curiosity than by fear. I’m more confident that I could make myself happy wherever I find myself… but if I can explore, then why not?

I’m at a crossroads. It’s lease-signing time, and in a couple weeks I’ll have nowhere to live. I could sign a lease in Montréal and keep my “permanent position” job (each working day making my resignation more guilt-inducing), bring all my shit here and commence the nesting phase. I don’t feel excited about this.

OR, I could get jobs in Toronto that are more closely related to what I really want to work towards in my life (and which are neither permanent nor disposable), see my sister more often, change the scenery, and maybe even start to construct a custom-fit life. Isn’t that what life is about, custom fitting? Creating what doesn’t already exist? I’ve known for a while that I don’t want to contribute to the way things already roll… so why do I keep doing exactly that?

I’ve thought and talked about this too much today so I’m sure this post is a little cryptic. I’ll follow up when I’m not half asleep.

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I Want to Go to Barcelona

I’ve been thinking about it ever since I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It seems like a place that would inspire great art, so I want to go there to sketch and paint (I feel like the beauty of Barcelona is too delicate for photography, for some reason). The sketching idea came from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, when Lena is sketching an old building (in Greece, I think). She denies being an artist, and a hot boy tells her that’s exactly what she is, simply because of the words she uses to describe what she sees… or something like that.

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