Tag Archives: Happiness

Hi! Sadness strikes again.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this shitty. Some sort of correlation between my writing and my emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on…

A few embarrassing social moments that my mind won’t let go of. Truthfully, though, I indulged really hardcore this time, spent the whole of yesterday crying and starving myself–because when I’m sad, I figure that eating can make me gain weight, and if that happens, I’ll get sadder. Do not do this. This is bad logic, and using it will be bad for you. Especially since being hungry tends to make me more depressed.

Played three songs on loop (Square One, How Long Will I Love You, and Swans and the Swimming–I have a history of looping this one for hours on end). Got up once to pee, and finally got up again to eat when my boyfriend said he’d take me out. Small glimmer.

Literally TWO things rocked my world, in a bad way. I was at a party my boyfriend had invited me to. 

1. An awkward conversation with one of my boyfriend’s friends. He was trying to be funny, I tried to be funny back, but it all fell flat as a pancake. He looked so uncomfortable. I thought he probably thought of me as hard to talk to, or unfunny, or something. I’m not entirely sure.

2. An awkward handshake with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (6-year relationship, intimidating or what?) where she introduced herself after she had been trying to get my attention. I guess I sort of realized she was waving at me, but I was also talking to someone, and I didn’t know how to split my attention. Then, after we quickly shook hands, I went back to talking to the person. My boyfriend said he saw her turn around with an “okay, I don’t really know what to do” face and leave the room. I got sad because I thought she probably saw me see her waving, and pegged me as rude for ignoring her. I also thought maybe I had cut the interaction short by going back to my original conversation after saying hi, and I imagined that she thought I was purposely trying to be bitchy and avoid her.

I want people to like me. I want to be friends with my boyfriend’s friends. I like them. I want more friends that I like, especially since most of my friends don’t live where I do.

I was looking forward to meeting his ex, because she seems cool and I want us to be friendly. She left the party shortly after our handshake, affording me no time to “redeem” myself.

I failed. His friends think I suck, and his ex thinks I’m the worst.

I created these stories, I’m aware, but they hurt, and way more than I understand why. Started catastrophizing, and spiralling. I looked at my upcoming schedule, and I wanted to do none of it. Hating everything, wanting to start fresh. Now that I think of it, in the past I have had trouble with the idea that I could have misrepresented myself in some way. I haven’t been able to stand the idea that people I really wanted to become friends with, or guys I’ve liked or dated, could think of me in a way that did not align with who I know I am at my core. Judgments. We all have to make judgments in order to make sense of our world, and I can’t blame anyone for it, so what am I doing, crying about it? Especially since I know they change as we accumulate more information?

I have to be at peace with this. I can’t control what people think. I can only control what I think, and what kind of experiences I attract. That is ALL me.

What can I do, me?

1. Focus on loving yourself more. I imagined that How Long Will I Love You was “mama universe” singing to me. I forget that the universe wants to help me, and that unconditional love exists. And FOR ME! I cried because this love made me realize how much I was abandoning myself in this moment of crisis. I was believing these judgements about me that I had MADE UP. I had forgotten that, even if I HAD done wrong here, I was loved.

2. Forgive. All it took was a reminder in some blog post or something that forgiveness is a thing. Use it on yourself, and the other.

3. Act on your highest excitement until you can go no further. Gotta take this more seriously.

4. Pray. Just ask for what you want. Ask the universe, ask those who love you. You don’t have to do it alone.

5. Be helpful. Learn, and then teach what you know. Have fun.

6. Allow. Allow what happens to happen. Desperately wanting something pushes it away. Wanting friends, wanting perfect social interactions, etc. It won’t come if you need it. Allow it to come, or not. Also, feelings are harmless. The thoughts causing them seem real and true, they always do! But they can change, you can create whatever you want. If you just breathe and allow the feelings to happen, they will subside, and newer, more peaceful thoughts will come to you. 

And maybe the most important one…

7. Love what you get. It’s really the only way to be happy.

I’m grateful for the tools I’ve been given to keep myself happy. These dips don’t last very long anymore. Allow, allow, allow.

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I do not apologize.

I got this idea from Courtney at The Rule Breaker’s Club. This is so cathartic, a highly recommended exercise.

I do not apologize for being tender.

I do not apologize for being sensitive.

I do not apologize for being afraid.

I do not apologize for being weird.

I do not apologize for being the weirdest person you’ve ever met.

I do not apologize for not liking myself.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being loveable.

I do not apologize for loving myself despite not being who I want to be yet.

I do not apologize for being patient towards myself.

I do not apologize for not being there yet.

I do not apologize for being daring.

I do not apologize for putting myself in difficult situations.

I do not apologize for feeling everything deeply.

I do not apologize for being human.

I do not apologize for panic attacks in the middle of a conversation, even if they make me seem like a crazy person.

I do not apologize for needing to learn lessons the hard way.

I do not apologize for trusting the wrong person with my heart.

I do not apologize for not being the strong woman of my dreams.

I do not apologize for being weak.

I do not apologize for being in transition.

I do not apologize for being different than you thought.

I do not apologize for changing.

I do not apologize for getting worse.

I do not apologize for getting better.

I do not apologize for being me, every version of me.

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Pressure’s off. All you need is…

My perspective recently just shifted subtly and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Here it is:

I seriously don’t need anything other than my health, my ability to focus positively and my ability to give, in that order.

1. My body lets me be here, so I do need bodily health, shelter, safety, food and water. If something is off, it gets corrected pretty automatically. When you’re thirsty, not much else gets done before you find a glass of water, right?

2. Then, focus keeps my mind healthy and happy. Reaching desires is just a matter of lining up with them through focus, of dreaming and then focusing in such a way that allows me to trust that they will come–and they will, because God is in charge and wants to love me (also a chosen, focused thought). I just have to let Him do his thing and stop trying so hard to do it myself. I clearly don’t know what I’m doing.

3. Finally, once I am happy, Giving. Fulfillment. Action. Connection. Love. They tell you to set the goals you would regret NOT achieving. So I did, but I realized that the ones that were the most important to me in that category were actually unachievable. “Make sure my parents know that I love them.” How the heck am I supposed to know when I’ve achieved that? And what if they never DO find out? Have I failed? Is it even possible to EVER be ENOUGH in this scenario? The answer is no. Love is not a goal, it’s an action, a practice. I discovered that the root of what I wanted to accomplish here is to give. Now it’s so much easier to see that I am doing so well. As long as I am making it a practice to give, to create, to be generous, to love, to be kind, THEN I am achieving my goal.

… When we don’t NEED so much, all that is left is gratitude.
… When we don’t believe we are unable to experience what we want, all that is left is eagerness.

When we are grateful and eager, everything becomes fun–everything becomes something we WANT to do. Or at least we become much better at knowing when to say “Hell no.”

And so we delight in the next logical step. We no longer need to do BIG things–but we do happen to end up chipping away at them joyfully.

This is great news because I am really DONE with doing things I don’t want to do. And done with not wanting to do the things I am choosing to do tomorrow.

So, that’s it. A healthy body, good focus and generosity. I could be old, living in a shelter and being fed at a soup kitchen, but if I’ve got a healthy body, a well-trained noodle and an overflowing heart, I’ll have won at life.

I’m still working on it. But having only 3 goals makes it so much easier to figure out what I need to do in a day. Get my greens, write a gratefulness list and call my mom. Happy.

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I took a plane and didn’t cry. What?

I’ve been working hard.

(The 3 glasses of wine probably didn’t hurt, though.)

It was an incredible exercise in learning to let go, AND it was actually the most fun I’ve had in a while! It’s so beautiful in the skyzies.

Now, in everyday life, letting go is proving to be much more difficult. Who would have guessed that anything could be more difficult to me than taking a plane? Not me or anyone I know!

So, I’m on vacation, visiting my parents. Paradox? Trying my best, people.*

I want to put some intentional structure into my days (beyond getting up, going to work, going to sleep), but it’s feeling an awful lot like trying to “control.” I used to revel in control, but now that I’m starting to understand what that kind of habit does to a girl’s sense of trust, it’s giving me a headache. I’m like (I am) a list-making addict, feeling both delight and shame in slipping back into old vices.

But, in fairness to myself, I’m doing this SO that I can let go. I know that I need some sort of structure, and I want to make sure that I can let go, while also setting myself up for success.

(A too-logical-to-argue-with way of saying I trust Lists more than the Universe? Ugh, probably.)

Here’s what I know I’ve got to be doing, with ideas underneath each number:

1. Be still. Breathe.
Meditation. Movement.
2. Witness, accept and untangle the present thoughts.
Morning pages. Focus wheels. Byron Katie.
3. Figure out what I want.
The opposite of what I don’t want (use the focus wheel). What I’ve been inspired to desire.
4. Search for what I want to see.
Gratitude. Find evidence NOW of what I WANT my life to be filled with.
5. Act.
From an inspired, positive place, take fun action. Do what I believe I need to do to feel the way I want to feel.
6. Be diligent with my vibration.
Declutter. Limit information input. Distract myself. Focus on the things I love. Affirmations. Stop the negative thoughts as they begin. Milk the good ones.

Alright. So, here’s what I want in my life:

– community
– creativity
– love
– generosity
– etc.

Using my brainstorm above, I’ve created my daily action plan for the next… week? Starting small:

– Wake up before 10am.
– Meditate. 1 minute.
– Move my body, bare feet in the grass if I can. 1 minute.
– Empty the thought crap from my brain using 750 words, and focus wheel it. 1 minute.
– Find 5 positive aspects/pieces of evidence of something I want.
– Choose one of my desired feelings from the list above, and perform 1 small action that I think will create more of it in my life.
– Do something creative. 1 minute.
– Limit information input. Positive only.

xo

*I love my parents, with my whole heart and more. But, they’re parents. You feel me.

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A simple way to get moving + get happy.

1. Be still. What’s the problem, girl?

Stillness is something I struggle with EVERY day, especially when I’m anxious. In fact, I sort of think writing this blog post is just another distraction from my feelings and I kind of feel like a huge hypocrite, but I’ll address that later on my own.

Either something’s up, or nothing’s up. If nothing’s up, congratulations. Keep feeling grateful and truckin’ on. If something’s up, congratulations too–you’re about to make some major progress. Move on to the next step.

2. What do you want instead?

Maybe you won’t know yet. That’s okay. Don’t force it, it will come eventually. If you do know, what is it?

3. What can you do to get it?

Brainstorm. Take this seriously and focus. Come up with as many ideas as you can. If you find one that feels shiny or magical or helpful, do it. If negative emotion remains afterwards, continue.

4. Do a focus wheel.

This can be done on paper. First, you write a statement about where you are/how you feel. In your mind’s eye, you keep the opposite, positive thought active. Then, you start writing things that support that positive thought and that you BELIEVE (this is essential). This gets quite fun. I might post some personal focus wheels later, but in the meantime, just click on the link above.

If writing isn’t your thing or you just don’t feel like doing the written version, you can also simply intend that today, you will notice evidence that the thing that you want is already in your life.

5. Focus on high vibe stuff.

Focus on the new affirmations that you’ve created with your focus wheel. Go on an information diet. Consciously withdraw your attention from negativity. Declutter. When you give your attention to something, more similar things present themselves to you. Be aware of this and focus on positivity.

6. Once you feel great, take action.

Now is the time to take action, because 1. it will be fun and inspired, and 2. it will create tangible evidence in your life that will make it easier to believe what you want to believe.

Here is an example:

1. How am I feeling? I’m feeling anxious.

2. What do I want instead? I want to feel safe.

3. How can I feel safe? I can open my playlist of relaxing songs. I can call my mom. I can call a friend. I can lock my door. I can turn on the light. I can watch a movie. I can curl up in bed under some blankets. I can open the door so I hear sounds from outside. I can go to a coffee shop and be around other people.

4. Do a focus wheel for “I am safe,” starting from “I am scared.” Then, notice how safe I am throughout the day.

5. Give my attention to anything and everything that is positive. My focus wheel has provided me with some new affirmations that I can focus on, such as “I do have a few good friends who care about me” or “Nothing has ever happened in my life that was not exactly what I needed.”

6. Once I’m in a better feeling place, I might be inspired to pick up my guitar, or do some groceries, or clean my room, or organize a camping trip with some friends. It could really be anything, and it doesn’t matter what. But in all cases, no matter how subtle, the outcome will be a memory or a thought (or even something physical like a picture from said camping trip) that will make it easier to feel safe and supported from now on.

Like I said, I still struggle with the first step, but I know this method works. It helps me feel like I have a game plan, like I’m building momentum. I’m still working on making this process as fun as possible, because I tend to not do focus wheels if I don’t think they’ll be fun. BUT I did do one the other day for feeling “loved, supported and trusting of the Universe” that was amazingly fun. I recommend!

xo

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I am the MOST humiliating.

In my heart, I know I am pretty amazing. I think about it sometimes when I’m alone in my room watching Community on Netflix. “I could be on that show. I’m basically a cooler version of Annie,” I often believe.

I sure can make an asshat of myself, though.

Even though I’m pretty cool with myself most of the time, for some reason I feel like revealing too much of myself will be the end of me. I’ll be rejected, people will hate me, etc. So I either spend my time alone, or expend a lot of energy keeping myself from being too naked. I’m usually just a little bit fake.

When I want to set that down for a bit, I drink. Sometimes I drink too much.

And sometimes, I drink TOO MUCH. When that happens, the reason for my fear becomes evident.

Yesterday, I reached for a drink every time I didn’t know what to do with myself. This is pretty standard awkward person behaviour, except this is what happens when that drink is 9% beer:

:: Talking to some dude on a couch, then drunkenly trying to kiss him I’m pretty sure while he was still talking, and getting SHUT DOWN. It was bad. He said loudly and firmly “NO,” got up and walked away.

:: In an effort to escape my shame, getting comfortable behind the refrigerator.

:: Hitting on basically everyone.

:: Not being able to stand up without almost falling over.

:: Getting inexplicably pissed at anyone and everyone who was having fun.

:: Freely drinking other people’s alcohol.

:: Storming off from the party, giving the people calling my name the silent treatment because they were “all assholes.”

And that’s just what I remember. Everything else, I forget.

… Somehow I believe making this even more public than it is already is going to help.

But seriously, I think this is good for me. I think I needed to see what would happen if I completely lost the charade (again), to see that it wouldn’t be that bad (… right?). Also, learning to love myself even when I’m completely off the rails is a skill I desperately want to learn.

Usually when this type of thing happens I become a recluse and hide away from the people I’ve embarrassed myself in front of, and gain an extra barrier to avoid a repeat episode. This is not healthy, I can tell you, and it doesn’t work, obviously. So I’m trying this new thing where I “love them anyway.” I’ve got the phrase on my desktop and I’ve been reminding myself of it as often as possible. Here’s why.

I’m so afraid of being unloved, but in reality, if anyone from yesterday sees something in me that they do not love, they are cutting themselves off from love themselves. What’s more, is that whatever they see in me and do not love, they probably also see in themselves and do not love.

People who hate are not people who need to be feared or avoided. They need to be loved.

This is pretty inspiring to me and is a much better option than crying all day, eating a whole box of Oreos and watching a Long Island Medium marathon. Actually…

And, I know that the shame I’m feeling is only caused by the thoughts I’m thinking. I’m so evolved.

Anyway, this’ll be a good story when my ego stops struggling and just dies already. This is all not really a big deal, and I’d do well to not take life and myself so seriously. I want to be the person who completely loses her face and bounces back the next day as if nothing had happened. I’d want to be friends with that person. Like Craig Ferguson. I’m exactly like Craig Ferguson.

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My new motivation station

I’ve been keeping a desktop post-it where I write all my “better-feeling thoughts,” which means that every time I have a thought that sucks, I try to think of a slightly better one and add it to my list. That way, I can read it over and over and brainwash myself to the next level.

I also add quotes or snippets I come across that make me feel warm ‘n’ fuzzy, also to read over again and again.

The tricky part is actually remembering to reread them.

Anyway, I’ve decided that instead of keeping them to myself, I’d put them on Twitter, in case anyone else can benefit from them. Stay tuned for new tweets!

loves xo.

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