It’s been a while since I’ve felt this shitty. Some sort of correlation between my writing and my emotions that I can’t quite put my finger on…
A few embarrassing social moments that my mind won’t let go of. Truthfully, though, I indulged really hardcore this time, spent the whole of yesterday crying and starving myself–because when I’m sad, I figure that eating can make me gain weight, and if that happens, I’ll get sadder. Do not do this. This is bad logic, and using it will be bad for you. Especially since being hungry tends to make me more depressed.
Played three songs on loop (Square One, How Long Will I Love You, and Swans and the Swimming–I have a history of looping this one for hours on end). Got up once to pee, and finally got up again to eat when my boyfriend said he’d take me out. Small glimmer.
Literally TWO things rocked my world, in a bad way. I was at a party my boyfriend had invited me to.
1. An awkward conversation with one of my boyfriend’s friends. He was trying to be funny, I tried to be funny back, but it all fell flat as a pancake. He looked so uncomfortable. I thought he probably thought of me as hard to talk to, or unfunny, or something. I’m not entirely sure.
2. An awkward handshake with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (6-year relationship, intimidating or what?) where she introduced herself after she had been trying to get my attention. I guess I sort of realized she was waving at me, but I was also talking to someone, and I didn’t know how to split my attention. Then, after we quickly shook hands, I went back to talking to the person. My boyfriend said he saw her turn around with an “okay, I don’t really know what to do” face and leave the room. I got sad because I thought she probably saw me see her waving, and pegged me as rude for ignoring her. I also thought maybe I had cut the interaction short by going back to my original conversation after saying hi, and I imagined that she thought I was purposely trying to be bitchy and avoid her.
I want people to like me. I want to be friends with my boyfriend’s friends. I like them. I want more friends that I like, especially since most of my friends don’t live where I do.
I was looking forward to meeting his ex, because she seems cool and I want us to be friendly. She left the party shortly after our handshake, affording me no time to “redeem” myself.
I failed. His friends think I suck, and his ex thinks I’m the worst.
I created these stories, I’m aware, but they hurt, and way more than I understand why. Started catastrophizing, and spiralling. I looked at my upcoming schedule, and I wanted to do none of it. Hating everything, wanting to start fresh. Now that I think of it, in the past I have had trouble with the idea that I could have misrepresented myself in some way. I haven’t been able to stand the idea that people I really wanted to become friends with, or guys I’ve liked or dated, could think of me in a way that did not align with who I know I am at my core. Judgments. We all have to make judgments in order to make sense of our world, and I can’t blame anyone for it, so what am I doing, crying about it? Especially since I know they change as we accumulate more information?
I have to be at peace with this. I can’t control what people think. I can only control what I think, and what kind of experiences I attract. That is ALL me.
What can I do, me?
1. Focus on loving yourself more. I imagined that How Long Will I Love You was “mama universe” singing to me. I forget that the universe wants to help me, and that unconditional love exists. And FOR ME! I cried because this love made me realize how much I was abandoning myself in this moment of crisis. I was believing these judgements about me that I had MADE UP. I had forgotten that, even if I HAD done wrong here, I was loved.
2. Forgive. All it took was a reminder in some blog post or something that forgiveness is a thing. Use it on yourself, and the other.
3. Act on your highest excitement until you can go no further. Gotta take this more seriously.
4. Pray. Just ask for what you want. Ask the universe, ask those who love you. You don’t have to do it alone.
5. Be helpful. Learn, and then teach what you know. Have fun.
6. Allow. Allow what happens to happen. Desperately wanting something pushes it away. Wanting friends, wanting perfect social interactions, etc. It won’t come if you need it. Allow it to come, or not. Also, feelings are harmless. The thoughts causing them seem real and true, they always do! But they can change, you can create whatever you want. If you just breathe and allow the feelings to happen, they will subside, and newer, more peaceful thoughts will come to you.
And maybe the most important one…
7. Love what you get. It’s really the only way to be happy.
I’m grateful for the tools I’ve been given to keep myself happy. These dips don’t last very long anymore. Allow, allow, allow.